Be Afraid….Be Very Afraid

fly

I love Jeff Goldblum, there is just something very sexy about him I think.  What does he have to do with today’s post?  Nothing.  It’s just every time I do one of these “Fly On The Wall” posts, I am reminded of his movie “The Fly” from 1986.  What is a “Fly On The Wall” post you ask?  Well, have you ever thought about what people might think if they saw what goes on behind-the-scenes at your house?  Do you ever wonder what it would be like to catch a glimpse of someone else’s daily life?  Well, you are in luck!  Here is your chance to get yet another peek inside my living room or car as the case may be.  If it’s a peek inside the bedroom you’re looking for…well, keep moving.  Today, 15 bloggers are inviting you into their homes to be “a fly on the wall.” 

Most of my best talks with man-child happen in the car, from the time we get in the car until we reach our destination, he does not stop talking.  Seriously.  He barely draws a breath.  Most of the time, you will hear my responses go something like this:

“mmm-hmmm”

“yes..”

“ok”

“I don’t know”

“Ask your dad”

“you’re so smart”

“we’ll see”

“Maybe”

and lots of sighing and rubbing my head…

It seems like I spend the majority of my time in a car, so I learn lots of things.  His favorite topic du jour of late is knowledge.

Man-Child:  “I learned so much today!”

Me:  “Oh yeah?”

Man-Child:  “Yeah!  I have only medium knowledge though.”

Me:  “Medium knowledge?”

Man-Child:  “Yeah…  You know like Daddy has high knowledge, but mine is only medium because I’m only 7 and I’ve stuff to learn still.”

Me:  “Oh, I see.  So, what’s my knowledge?”

(he thinks waaaaaaaay too long on this one)

Man-Child:  “Oh, you’re high knowledge too.”

Me:  “Yay!”

Man-Child:  “Lindsay is high knowledge, and Libby is kinda high knowledge.  She is going to college, so she needs to have lots of knowledge.”

Me:  “True.  What about Emily?”

Man-Child:  “Well…she’s really nice, and she always plays with me and watches movies.”

(ouch.  Poor Emily)

Me:  “Oh…soooooo she doesn’t have high knowledge in your opinion.”

Man-Child:  “No.  Not really, but we can still love her.”

Me:  “that we can.” 

—————————————————————————————————————

Man-Child:  “It’s important to know Math and Science.”

Me:  “Yes, that’s probably true.”

Man-Child:  “When we get home I’ll make you a math chart to help you at work.”

Me:  “Aw…how sweet of you, thank you!”

Man-Child:  “It’s what I do.”

Man-Child:  “I don’t think you’d be a very good fireman if you aren’t good at math.”

Me:  “Oh?”

Man-Child:  “Yeah.  You have to calculate…that’s a big word calculate, do you like how I used it in this sentence?”

Man-Child:  “Mom?”

Me:  “Oh, yes…calculate is a great word!  Good job”

Man-Child:  “So yeah, it is.  I’m pretty smart with words and stuff and math.  So you’d need to know how much water to put in the hose for the fires.  You need math, see?”

Me:  “Mmm-hmm.  I see.”

Man-Child:  “Yeah, so I’d make a pretty good fireman I think.”

Me:  “So you don’t want to be a villain anymore?  You’ve decided on a firefighter?”

Man-Child:  “Yeah, I guess.  Maybe a villain fireman, that kills bad guys with fire bombs and stuff.”

Me:  “Oh…well naturally.  Do villains kill bad guys? And fireman are hot.”

Man-Child:  “Yeah, because they fight fires…”

Me:  “No, I mean hot as in good-looking.”

Man-Child:  “Mom, that’s gross.”

Me:  “Sorry.”

Man-Child:  “I won’t tell daddy.”

Me:  “Thank you.”

Man-Child:  “You should buy me something.”

Me:  :/

—————————————————————————————————

Man-Child:  “Mom?”

Me:  “Yes?”

Man-Child:  “I love you more than a three-headed dragon.”

Me:  “Oh.  Umm…thanks?  I love you too.  So, do you love three-headed dragons a whole bunch?  ‘Cause I didn’t know about this love.”

Man-Child:  “Mom, don’t over think it.”

Me:  :/

—————————————————————————————————-

Man-Child:  “I took a math test today and I was the only one who got an A!”

(side-note:  this information is probably not reliable)

Me:  “That’s fantastic!” 

Man-Child: “Yeah, but do you know what’s even better than an A?”

Me:  “An A plus?”

Man-Child:  “Huh?”

Me:  “You asked what was better than an A, so I said an A plus?”

Silence.

More Silence.

Me:  “Nevermind, what is higher than an A?”

Man-Child:  “A shiny golden licorice star!”

Me:  “I see.  That does sound pretty awesome.  If you like licorice.”

Man-Child:  “Uh everyone likes licorice. DUH.”

Me:  “Whatever you say.” 

Man-Child:  “Mmmm-hmmm”

————————————————————————————————–

The hubs and I volunteered for Man-Child’s “Friendship Party” yesterday, and as we were leaving, somehow the topic of muscles came up.  Hubs probably passed a reflective surface and flexed for himself, and Man-Child felt the need to comment on it. 

Man-Child:  “Daddy is so strong!”

Me:  “Pffft.”

Husband:  “YES!”  followed by more flexing and pointing out his “awesome” triceps and “awesome” biceps which was followed by much eye-rolling and sighing from me.

Man-Child:  “And hey Mom!  You’re smart!”

Me:  “HA!  Yeah!  Did you hear that honey?  I’m the smart one!”

Husband:  “Yeah yeah.”

Man-Child:  “Daddy is kind and mommy is sweet!”

Me:  “HA!  I am smart and sweet and you are big and dumb!  Woo hoo!”

Husband:  “He says I was strong and kind and you get “big and dumb” out of that?”

Me:  “Well…yeah.  Clearly that’s what he meant, he’s just using the nicer words.”

Man-Child:  giggles

Me:  “See?”

Husband:  sighs

——————————————————————————————————————-

We finally bought me a new car, and with the new car came 3 months free of Sirius Radio.  This may surprise you but I’m quite the fan of Howard Stern.  I know.  I can feel your judgment from here.  What can I say?  I like him.  He has the best commercial breaks too.  My favorite is the advertisement from Playtex’s “Fresh and Sexy intimate wipes” because a “dirty beaver gets no wood”.  I laughed for days. I’ve almost been enjoying my commute in the car lately.  Anyway, the other day he had on these porn stars and he did a jeopardyesque like game show called “Dumber than a Box of Rocks”.  He would ask ridiculously easy questions, and well…porn stars.  Everytime they missed a questions they had to say the phrase “I’m dumber than a box of rocks.”  One answer to a question in particular really cracked me up.  Howard asks “What is venison?”

Now, I pick up Emily from school and I’m telling her about this segment, and how I hope these girls weren’t as dumb as they sounded.  I really do hope it was just schtick, but I guess you don’t have to be smart to be in porn.  You always kind of hope it’s just a stopgap for these girls, like they are really getting a Master’s Degree in Rocket Science and porn helps keep them away from student loans…but maybe not.  I get to the point in the story where Howard asks “What is venison?”  I pause.  I wait for Emily to shout out the answer.  She looks at me blankly. 

Me:  “Seriously?  You don’t know what venison is?”

Emily:  “Ummmm…..”

Me:  looking at her incredulously, clearly I’ve failed as a mom

Me:  “Em…?”

Emily:  “Ummm….a drug?”

O

M

G

My daughter is going to be a porn star.  

Me:  “A drug?!?!??!?” 

Emily:  shrugs

Me:  “Oh my.  No, not a drug.”

When Howard asks the question, candy or brandy or star or autumn or whatever her name was yelled out “Italy!”  As in Venice.  I’m guessing. 

Me:  “Deer meat Emily.  Venison is deer meat.”

Emily:  “oh.”

(please see comment above about high knowledge)

Just kidding my love (if you are reading this), you are both smart and beautiful and we love you bunches.  But venison?  Really?  I’m sure you were just tired from that long day of school.  Right? 

—————————————————————————————–

So anyway, these are the kind of things we talk about in case you were curious.  We are great at dinner parties.  Truly. 

Check out these other fantastic bloggers and find out what’s been going on at their house!

www.BakingInATornado.com

http://www.bigaandlittlea.com

http://hypnoticbard.blogspot.com

http://www.justalittlenutty.com

http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com

http://followmehome.shellybean.com

http://stacysewsandschools.wordpress.com

http://menopausalmother.blogspot.com

http://www.dontchewonthedinnertable.blogspot.com

www.therowdybaker.com

http://smn0409.blogspot.com

www.theblacksheepmom.blogspot.com

http://raising-reagan.com

http://mooreorganizedmayhem.blogspot.com

http://www.findingfelicity.com

13 thoughts on “Be Afraid….Be Very Afraid

  1. I loved everything about this post! Your kids are so funny. I liked the mathematical fireman and the fact that you came to the conclusion that “dad was big and dumb” It sounds so much like our house. Hands down favorite? The feminine wipes commercial. I am SOO out of the loop. The line about the beaver made me laugh out loud…and I’m on a plane. Totally worth the looks I’m getting 🙂

  2. That is SO adorable! I love the things my girls come up with. I might have to use the 3 headed dragon comparison now. I like that one!

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