Guess what time it is peeps? Yep, it’s time for the Secret Subject Swapapalooza! Welcome to Take One of January’s Secret Subject Swap. In case you are new to this whole swap idea, here are the details: this week, 16
crazy brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts. I will post the links to the other 15 bloggers participating at the end of my post. Now, don’t just scroll down to the bottom, read mine first! It’s going to be totally craptastic fantastic!
My topic was submitted by my Adam Levine stalker-in-crime Raising Reagan. We share a love for all things Adam Levine. To be fair, I might be slightly more vocal in my obsession, but still she encourages me. Blame her!
My prompt is: You and your family recently moved here….why?
It is interesting that I would be tasked to discuss this particular topic because the day before Christmas, my family was blackballed and evicted from Crazytown and forced to relocate to Insanityville. Nothing quite says Happy Holidays like being evicted from your home on nothing more than baseless and trumped-up charges led by an overzealous, “concerned” citizen with no sense of humor armed with self-righteousness spewing hatred and disgust. This is an outrage! I’m terribly vexed (my favorite line from Gladiator btw). The Crazytown Constable hand delivered our eviction on Christmas Eve, not even Santa could save us apparently. The deed was done. We had 24 hours to evacuate. According to Crazytown bylaws, once a majority vote has been cast to evict, it may not be appealed or overturned. No exceptions. Our torch had been extinguished.
Why? Well, I’m glad you asked. Our eviction notice consisted of a strongly worded letter and a list of our (mostly my) infractions against the citizens of Crazytown and humanity at large.
Dear Crazytown Citizens,
I find it disturbing and absurd that a self-proclaimed “good mother” would dare to claim that she had valuable life and child-rearing experiences to share, yet focuses on a sordid fantasy with a musician that is not her husband, among other heinous misrepresentations disguised under a veil of “humor” and “joking”. We, as citizens of Crazytown, should stand united in this time of crisis. As a community invested in the search for valuable and insightful information concerning child-rearing, we should not stand idly by and let this imposter roam freely among us, tainting our children and corrupting our minds. As a community that concerns itself with raising well-adjusted and capable children, we should rise against the useless diatribes and delusional fantasies of this miserable wife and mother. She should be ashamed of her behavior and we carry the burden of her shame if we do not remove her immediately from our midst.
A Concerned Citizen and Mother
Now, please let me share with you the list of my supposed infractions against humanity.
1) This woman has been caught on numerous occasions dancing in her underwear to Justin Bieber’s “As Long As You Love Me.”
Okay, this one might be actually true. I can’t help myself. It’s a catchy tune. I defy you to watch this video and not find yourself grabbing the broom handle and dancing around your kitchen singing at the top of your lungs.
I mean seriously. It has dance sequences. As far as this charge of dancing in my underwear, yeah…I want pics. I don’t linger in the privacy of my bathroom or bedroom in my underwear for any longer than necessary lest it increase my chances of catching a glimpse of myself in a reflective surface. I have 4 kids and a husband that works from home, I am NEVER alone long enough to dance around in my underwear. Furthermore, what kind of pervert peeks through someone’s kitchen window! Yet, I’m the one with issues! I think not. I might be guilty of poor judgment or taste in this particular instance, but I don’t truly think it reflects poorly on me as a human being or even a mother. Excuse me, while I go watch this video…again.
2) This woman shared an inappropriate story about her daughter’s vagina falling out, and she let her daughter have sex.
Okay, this one is true as well. Well, except for the “let her daughter have sex” bit. I mean seriously, does this “concerned citizen” have any teenagers? She acts like I invited this boy over to our home, put on some Marvin Gaye, lit some candles, turned down the bed, left the room and said “take her virginity or die trying.” We’ve had “the talks”. I forced her to attend the “Created By God” class offered by our church. I even let her experience the
horrors miracle of childbirth when her brother was born, lest she begin to romanticize having a baby (courtesy of MTV). I even admitted to NOT being a virgin when I got married, and told her my tale of woe concerning the loss of my own virginity. Nothing turns a teen off sex faster than talking about your own sex life, because now the back of her retina’s have been burned with my rather vivid, if not exaggerated, storytelling complete with mind numbing descriptive prose. The message was clear, sex changes EVERYTHING. I also might have also “accidentally” shown her pictures of diseased vagina’s on Google. Besides locking her in her room, or investing in an actual chastity belt, it is unclear to me how I could have avoided the arrival of this day. I guess if I was the type of parent that a child felt they couldn’t talk to about anything, she might not have come to me with this vagina falling out issue which led to the knowledge that her virginity was no longer intact. I’m not the kind of parent that subscribes to the belief that if I don’t know about it then it didn’t happen. I want my children to feel they can come to me with anything, that doesn’t mean I will always agree with their choices, or that I condone their mistakes. Perhaps, I shouldn’t have shared the story publicly, BUT, in my defense, it’s a good story. It’s a cautionary tale…should you ever find yourself woken in the middle of the night by a hysterical teenager who believes her vagina has indeed fallen out. Feel free to read it here. Please don’t read if you have no sense of humor. Also, read at your own risk as you might also be forced to relocate to Insanityville for allowing such contraband into your home. My 18-year-old daughter is graduating high school this June, and attending college in the fall. She’s a beautiful artist, loving daughter, affectionate and helpful, funny, gorgeous and the absolute light of my life. I wouldn’t change anything about her, and I’m thankful for the awesome relationship we share based upon mutual respect, open communication and above all, love. So there! Yeah…
3) This woman had the audacity and poor taste to discuss “anal itching” publicly.
Ummm…yeah, okay this happened. I can’t deny it. I think the people who complain or manage to be offended by such topics are probably the same people who turn on the water faucet when they need to poop and are afraid the other person(s) in the house might know they are pooping unless the act itself is disguised under the ruse of washing hands for several minutes. Come on people…if you are in the bathroom for longer than a minute or two there are only two possible scenarios. I don’t know about you but I’d rather people think I went poop than the other thing…you know…the M word. God forbid I say “masturbation” if people find “anal itching” offensive. Oh shit, I just said “masturbation”. Fuck, I just said shit. Damn. I don’t typically curse in my writing, but sometimes it just works. I’ll probably be burned at the stake for this infraction as well. By the way, as promised, I did google “anal itching.” The interesting thing to note is that if you type in the words “anal i”, google auto-selects some choices for you based upon the majority of google searches. The three searches I had to choose from were:
- anal intraepithelial neoplasia
- anal itching in children
- anal itching symptom checker
As a testament to my sound judgment, I will not be posting any pics of “anal itching” courtesy of google images. You are welcome. Now, I’m curious about the 3rd search, “anal itching symptom checker”. Isn’t the answer kind of implied in the question? It’s not like asking for flu or cold symptoms. I don’t think you’ll find “ear ache or nose bleeds” under “anal itching symptom checker.” I think you’ll find only “itchy anus” Right? Maybe burning or soreness accompany the itching, but isn’t the primary symptom…itching? You gotta wonder about people. Of course, this from the girl who just spent an entire paragraph discussing the pitfalls of googling “anal itching.” So maybe I shouldn’t judge.
4) This woman claims to be a parenting expert.
LOL. Seriously, have you met my children? Do you actually READ my blog? You might catch me claiming to be an expert on failing a diet, or lying around doing nothing while looking busy, or failing to follow an exercise regime or making excuses for not going to the gym or being a terrible cook or how to eat an entire bag of rolo’s in secret, but never will I claim to be an expert on parenting. Moving on…
5) This woman discussed masturbation as a treatment for prostate cancer.
Technically, this is also true. BUT, let me explain. @OMGFactsSex (which I do follow on Twitter…what? It has useful facts, tips and articles) tweeted that “Masturbation can reduce the risk of prostate cancer by up to 33%.” I can’t be alone in thinking that it’s quite irresponsible to throw out stats like this one without further instruction, facts or discussion? I can’t be expected to think for myself! What does this even mean really? Masturbation reduces prostate cancer? Who masturbates? Me? My husband? Me for my husband? Do I have to remind him? How many times per day/week? When you say “up to 33%”, what does that mean exactly? Does once a day increase your percentage? Is it more? Does it count if I do it? Does only masturbation count or will any kind of seminal fluid discharge suffice? Like, actual sex. My brain hurts. These are the kinds of questions and problems that swirl in my head when confronted with these lovely statistical improbabilities. If I don’t share these thoughts and feelings, I’d probably implode. It’s a ton of pressure. Cut me some slack!
6) This woman holds delusional and sordid fantasies about a man not her husband.
*sigh* My husband’s first reaction upon learning that we were being forced to relocate to Insanityville was to inquire if this move would at all hurt his chances of scoring Blake Lively. He replaced Scarlet Johansson as his “get out of jail free card” with Blake Lively recently, citing irreconcilable differences. I think he decided “dirty sexy” was more his thing. I mean it’s not like I scream out Adam’s name in the heat of the moment. Okay, well once, but I totally played it off, “Adam!- it, I pulled a calf muscle I think!” He didn’t suspect a thing. I’m pretty quick on my feet when I wanna be…or on my back as the case may be. Okay, so FINE! I have a teensy tiny practically insignificant crush on Adam Levine. I mean, have you SEEN him? I won’t post pictures here today because it might be used against me as evidence, but please google him if you must. I mean it’s not like I’ve gone to morphthing.com and posted pics of what our babies would look like because that would be just disturbing. Although if I did…
If we had a boy…
If we had a girl…
But I would NEVER do that! Obviously. Listen, it’s all in good fun. I’m sorry if not everyone can appreciate my twisted sense of humor, but I make me laugh, so really isn’t that all that should matter? My husband isn’t insecure or bothered in the least by my “obsession” with Adam. All I really want is for Adam to follow me on twitter, and I won’t apologize for the shameless strategies I’ve implemented in my attempt to make this happen. Do I secretly hope that I get to meet Adam when he comes to my hometown on his concert tour? OMG, YES! Do I think he’s going to throw aside his supermodel girlfriend and have his wicked way with me? Uh…no. If he did, would I cheat on my husband? Ummm…I plead the fifth here… Hello, honey…Blake Lively? ‘Nuff said. Do I SERIOUSLY think Adam Levine is going to be my next husband and father of my future children? A girl can dream…or fantasize. I’d argue it keeps my marriage stimulated and exciting. My husband never knows what I might do or say next, and dare I say that’s the way he likes it? He thinks I’m funny. He laughs at my stupid jokes and my obsession with Adam Levine. He gets me. So suck it you uptight citizens of Crazytown!
I’m outta here!
Okay, check out these other awesomely fantastic bloggers and their topics!