The ever adorable and bubbly Joules over at Pocketful of Joules tagged me in a writing prompt sweeping the blogosphere. The prompt is titled “My Christmas Wish” and I get to think up 5 wishes that I wish for myself. I picture Joules in a fabulous Fairy Godmother outfit with a glitter star wand standing over me right now, with a benevolent smile, ready to make my wishes come true. If only…right? It’s been a rough week, and that is stating it mildly. Not for me particularly but for our country, due in large part to what happened in Connecticut. I thought about making these 5 wishes serious, because that more appropriately fits my mood of late. I can’t seem to hug my children enough. I can’t bubble wrap them enough in my thoughts, and I struggle not to play the “what if” game. My son is in first grade, and it is impossible not to feel connected to those families in Newtown. Tears threaten the back of my eyes and throat at the slightest provocation, and I’m overwhelmed by the feelings of helplessness and worry. Therefore, I decided to make my wishes lighthearted and fun, because all of our hearts are burdened, and for me…humor is the best medicine.
For some reason, I can never think about the phrase “make a wish” without picturing Marilyn Monroe practically performing fellatio on JFK’s birthday candles. Just me? Oh well.
Hopefully, my wishes provoke laughter, whether AT me or WITH me, it doesn’t matter. Bring on the chuckles!
CHRISTMAS WISH #1
On Friday, I was in my office organizing and filing (oh, the exciting life I lead) and I bent down to pick up a paper clip off the floor. Let me preface this next bit by saying that my tummy had been a touch upset all day and I was wearing the pants I really should throw out because no matter what I tell myself, they don’t fit and my midriff looks more like a 12 bagel pile up than a muffin top. The button is barely holding on and probably silently screaming in pain and begging to the clothing Gods that I not pick these particular pants every time I open the closet door. Have you ever had to lay down on the bed to zip up slacks? Jeans, yes…but slacks? Now that you are all armed with that delightful image, let me return to the more pressing concern about my wish. So, I bend down and the pressure from that damn button causes the worst gas emission, probably in history. It was long. It was loud. And OMG…it was smelly. My office was probably covered in green funk. The weird part was that I kinda chuckled to myself and kept on working forgetting for a hot second that I was AT WORK. I continue filing, thinking “Goodness, what did I eat today?” when it hit me. SOMEONE COULD TOTALLY WALK IN MY OFFICE RIGHT NOW AND EXPIRE FROM THE FUMES ON CONTACT! I don’t have windows in my office, so I quickly broke out this cinnamon airspray and fumigated my office. The cloying scent of cinnamon and cloves on top of the green funk made it difficult to draw breath, so I escaped to the bathroom where I fervently prayed two things: 1) That no one enter my office for the rest of the day and 2) That the fart didn’t have any passengers…if you know what I mean. Both prayers were answered, thank goodness.
My wish is this: No more farts, including the word fart, which I hate and all things associated with farts (ie..cramps). The way I see it, this wish probably saves marriages the world over, so you’re welcome. AND we shall never speak of this again.
CHRISTMAS WISH #2
I wish that the rough and calloused skin found on the heels of my feet would be banished from this world. Never again would I have to suffer the indignity of getting a pedicure and watching my poor technician break out the ginormous cheese grateresque contraption to shave off the dead and disgusting skin which leaves my feet smooth and touchable for like…5 minutes before it’s freaking back in action! I’m not asking for skin like a newborn, just that my feet not develop that awful dry dead skin that catches on carpet, socks, sheets, pajamas. Ugh. Putting lotion on my feet doesn’t help either, it’s like putting silk on a pig…or however that saying goes. Believe me, I’ve tried everything. I don’t want a cure that takes effort on my part, I want it to not exist at all!
CHRISTMAS WISH #3
I wish to never pluck, shave or wax again. Ever. And not because I’m letting myself go all cavegirl but because I don’t have hair where I shouldn’t have hair. If the laser hair ads are to be believed, I waste hundreds of precious hours a year meticulously removing my body of unwanted hair. When I think of all the time I’d have to pursue other things…like my bucket list, or just more time to vegetate or meditate or whatever I wanted to do besides digging for chin hair or contorting my body in the shower to shave my legs without bending over or having water wash off the shaving cream before a razor even touches my leg…I get all giddy and excited.
CHRISTMAS WISH #4 & #5
This is a two-part wish. I thought about making it only count as one wish total, but I didn’t want to seem greedy. I know you think you know what I’m about to wish for but you don’t.
I’m nervous about this wish.
I really, really want it to come true.
I’m wondering if it’s true that if you tell people your wish it won’t come true, because I wished for the same thing when an eyelash fell out a minute ago, after I got through panicking that my loss of hair wish went horribly awry.
I’ll give you a hint…
Yes, you guessed it! I want to be a guitar prodigy!
What? I’m serious.
Did you think I was going to say:
I wish for Adam Levine under my Christmas tree naked on Christmas morning? or
I wish for Adam Levine to follow me on twitter?
Pffft. He couldn’t be naked, it would traumatize the kids. Or just my husband. Man-child thinks everyone should be naked all the time, so he’d probably think it was cool and strip down too.
But…I really want to be a guitar prodigy. Sure it’d be great if Adam Levine gave me private lessons…hence the 2nd part of this wish, but really I’ll take any old instructor. As long as it’s free because I didn’t wish for money…
So there you have it! My FIVE Christmas Wishes. I know you’re jealous and wishing you had thought of them. Unfortunately, there can only be 1 me. Or is it…thank goodness?
Now, I’m supposed to tag 5 more people, but instead, I tag YOU, my reader. Let’s face it…there might not even be FIVE of those. Leave your wishes in my comments, or if you were already tagged with this prompt leave your link so we can all share in the holiday spirit. That wasan invitation to leave your actual blog link with this particular writing prompt in my comments, not a link to hair removal for life or vagina cures.
May peace, hope, and love be this season’s gift to each and every one of you!