Never Say Never…Seriously.

swapGuess what time it is?  Yep!  It’s Super Secret Subject Swap day, once again brought to you by the genius that is Baking in a Tornado.  She’s got to have one of the best blog names ever.  I can’t even bake in a kitchen…

I have to admit, when I got my subject, I had no clue what I was going to write about.  Actually, since we’re being all honest here…even as I’m writing this, I have no clue what I’m going to write about.  I’m hoping to just ramble on and eventually stumble into something and not bore everyone to death in the meantime.

My subject is “I never thought I’d…”, and it was submitted by Frikken Duckie.  I’ve been stalking her blog lately, and I have to admit my shame.  I have blog envy.  Seriously.  I could spend all day perusing her blog, it’s all organized and lovely.  Clearly, I epitomize the “throw spaghetti against a wall and see what sticks” style of blogging.  I was briefly motivated to change things up, but then…yeah, no.  Someday.

My subject reminded me of a game I played back in the day, when I was young and fun, called “I Never”.  It’s a drinking game where someone throws out something like “I’ve never had sex in a tree” and if you’ve had sex in a tree, you drink.  If you haven’t had sex in a tree, you don’t drink.  Of course, now you’re all wondering if I’ve ever had sex in a tree.  Don’t lie.  But I don’t kiss and tell, unless I’m drunk, which I’m not.

This game went one of two ways:

Imageor like this…

ImageEveryone lies when playing “I Never.”  Everyone.  If you say you’ve never lied, you’re lying about lying.  Unless you’ve never played.  Then maybe.  Either you lie because the boy you’re crushin’ on is present and you don’t want him to know the vastness of your experience or inexperience or the mean girls are flanked on either side of you, and you don’t want to give them any additional ammunition to store away in their mean girl arsenal.  Depending on who is playing, you selectively choose when you drink.  Maybe you think said boy will find you irresistible if you’ve experimented with other girls.  Or maybe you want him to think that you’ve got an oral fixation that gum just won’t cure.  Or maybe self-exploration is his thing, and you want him to know that are ruler of your domain.  Maybe just maybe your netherland has up until tonight been a no man’s land and he finds that hot.  I’m trying to remember if the questions were ever about anything other than sex.  Huh.  Yeah, I can’t remember.  One thing is certain, the night might very well end with attempted sex, tree bark rash and the police.  Next thing you know, you are swearing you can recite your ABC’s backwards, you’ve never ever had an alcoholic beverage in your life and by the way has anyone seen your pants!  Not that I would know.  I’m totally not that kind of girl.  Now.  Or then.  I’m probably lying right now.  Wish I had a drink.

I’m not though.  Lying.  Seriously.  I would never.  This girl…totally a virgin when she got married (shhhh my kids are reading).

So anywho, this question plunged me back in the days of old when I was young, fun, thin and my biggest responsibility was Vodka or Rum, Keystone or Bud, Red or White.  I used to take bottles of Cold Duck (yeah…because I’m all classy and sophisticated like that) or wine coolers to play.  We were a big drinking game crowd and it was really before the dawn of beer pong, yet the quest remains unchanged:  get pissed drunk and make an ass of yourself which you will hopefully not remember in the morning.  Hopefully, no one else remembers either, and thank God there were no cell phones back then.  We actually had “car phones”, the huge monstrosities that were actually only found…in cars.  Remember those?  Or am I dating myself?  Don’t answer.

All drinking games aside, when it comes to the question of “I never thought I’d”, my answers usually revolve around food or weird stuff. 

I NEVER THOUGHT I’D….

Eat that entire bag of cheese puffs.  Family size.  Man-child went to grab one, and I seriously understood why some species eat their young.  Stand down, my little friend.  Stand down.

Be such a creepy psycho nutjob super stalker fan of Adam Levine.

I’d use a stapler to fix the hem on my pants.  Don’t judge me.  Necessity is the mother of invention.  Plus, tape didn’t work.  I’m an accountant, I don’t keep needle and thread in my desk!

(I still feel your judgment)

Be an accountant.  Seriously.  The only thing I ever sucked at in school was Math.  (haha did you see what I did there?) 

Talk about cutting the crotch out of my period panties on Twitter so I could still use them because I hate panty shopping, and the word panties.  Yeah, THAT happened. 

Take the loooooong way to work in an attempt to avoid the police because my car is two months past the inspection date. 

Watch a horror show just to see Adam Levine.  I hate the horror genre.  Ok, I still haven’t watched it, but when I do, I won’t be able to believe that I did.

Beg plead cajole Ask Adam Levine to follow me on Twitter only to be REPEATEDLY ignored.

Spend so much frickin’ time talking about Adam Levine.  My grasp on reality is very shaky.  Help me.

Be able to eat an entire bag of rolo’s in one sitting.  I did.  I’m totally bragging.  Don’t act like you aren’t disgusted impressed.

Spend my day talking about constipation, depends, foot corns, heartburn and diarrhea.  I’m surrounded by Senior Citizens and the state of their bowels is a huge topic of concern.

Go months weeks without shaving my legs.  Even in Winter.  And it’s been like 80 here so where the heck is my winter!

Weigh this much.  Yes, I read the part about the rolo’s and the cheese puffs.  And?

Survive teenage girls, yet it’s happening.  I’m rounding a corner.  Where I’ll probably hit a wall, but still…I’ve made it this long.

Be old enough to have a kid going off to college.  Bitch please, I was a kid having a kid.  Just a child…a mere babe.  Sigh.

Be a part of such an awesome group of bloggers, even if I do sort of just hover at the fringes…like a peeping tom, only not as creepy.  Ish.

Alrighty, so there you have it.  My Super Secret Subject Swap post is complete.  You all complete me.  Seriously, you had me at hello.  Hello probably wasn’t even necessary.

Check out Baking in a Tornado, read her swap post and then follow the secret swap brick road to all the other awesome bloggers participating in this swapapalooza..  I’d link them here, but I’m lazy.  And tired.  And let’s be honest, it will be a miracle if I even get mine up in time.  It’s supposed to go live at 10am east coast time, but I pretend I don’t know what that means and set to publish at 10am my time.  And my time could mean anything really.

Damn.  My hem staples came out.  Why does it feel like a Monday. 

NOW GO CHECK OUT THE OTHER LINKS.  Please. 

And one more thing…

because you know it has to be said…

ADAM LEVINE WILL YOUR FREAKING FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER ALREADY!

Thank you, that is all.

27 thoughts on “Never Say Never…Seriously.

  1. We’ve gotto figure out a better strategy for that Adam Levine! He’s starting to irritate me now, refusing to follow you!! Who does he think he is….yeah yeah, okay…Adam Levine!!

  2. You know, it isn’t until someone admits to eating a bag of Rolos and/or cheesepuffs that I REALLY start to call them……a sister. Your whole post made me laugh. I’m the goody-goody girl in Utah who could run circles around the “I’ve NEVER” game. Adam should be friending YOU on FB/Twitter/Pinterest/all those other tech things I still don’t understand..

  3. I’m just gonna toss this on the wall like spaghetti and hope it sticks, but you are, hands down, one of the funniest babes in my corner of the internet. This was another straight up riot to read. If Adam Levine, doesn’t want you, I’ll take you, because you are pure awesome. Also, I am guilty of the same cheesepuff crime…I’m a repeat offender. Please don’t tell my parole officer ; )

    • Your secrets are safe with me! I think it’s safe to say the Adam thing probably isn’t going to work out…I’m not giving up, but in the meantime, you can have me 🙂 It’s nice to be appreciated! Did you hear that Adam! Suck it!

  4. Tears from laughing…tears. You are one of my favorite bloggers. Between the cutting the crotch out of your panties, the Adam Levine stalk-a-thon (I see you on Pinterest) and the rolo eating I can totally relate. You are the best.

  5. I’m so sorry hunnie, we’ve tried so much and he’s STILL not following you =*(( wish we could do more to help! Oh boo! Loved your list…lmao that’s a lot and i’m sure there’s more cuz we could keep on going about what we wouldn’t/couldn’t do to survive….not judging you…love yah babe xoxo

  6. Pingback: Raising Reagan - Secret Subject Swap Take One

  7. Ok…Rolos are amazing and their is no judgement here! I can hammer down on an entire bag of KitKats if I needed to.
    Adam Levine will one day wake up to the realization that he’s bored and only you can fill his shoes! I mean seriously…
    This was super hilarious ~ as usual. And I have NEVER lied while playing I Never (and the nose just grew a mile)

    Lanaya
    http://www.raising-reagan.com

  8. Okay people, let’s start a letter writing campaign to get Adam following her on Twitter! lol
    I’m that way about a few people *cough* Josh Hutcherson *cough* Chris Hemsworth *cough* lol. Look, you know when it’s true love and sometimes, that true love is with two fine men. lol

    I “sucked” (I TOTALLY read that straight into the gutter, btw) at Math too. And I have NO clue what I want to be when I grow up (and I’ll be 30 on Monday!)

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