And The Oscar Goes To…

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Blogger awards seem to be a popular topic, whether you are giving one, receiving one or dissing one.  Personally, I am always thankful when another blogger takes the time to tell me that he/she thinks I’m pretty awesome.  I’ve heard it compared to a chain letter or a popularity contest, but I think they are a fun and marvelous way to give another blogger a high-five, and let them know that someone besides your spouse/family/friends is reading your little masterpiece!  I can’t say why other people blog, Facebook, tweet…I only know why I do.  I enjoy it, it’s fun for me.  It’s also cathartic, therapeutic and a great way to laugh at myself and all the crazy curveballs life throws my way.  I hope I can make other people laugh, and identify with me and my family.  Sometimes I get serious if the mood strikes, but most of the time it’s about finding the funny.  Plus, my inner narcissist loves the attention!

I’ve recently been awarded “The Beautiful Blogger” award from a terrific fellow blogger, who may or may not be my twin separated from birth.  She’s fun, smart, a great writer and she makes me laugh all the time!  If you get a chance, please hop on over and visit my friend at Sadder But Wiser Girl, because she’s awesome and I said so!  Oh, and she gave me an award!

After this award was so graciously bestowed upon me, I’ve began plotting my next crazy attention grabbing, paparazzi following, celebrity high stakes move!  The best place for a closet narcissist is with other closet narcissists!  I’m throwing a blogger party and you’re all invited!  I just blinded you with a bunch of exclamation points, I know.  I’m really excited!  Ooops…I did it again.  I’ve decided we need our very own Oscar night! (I promise that’s the last exclamation point for at least a few sentences)

Since I’ve already admitted to being a narcissist, you should know that this blog isn’t about the actual party but more about what I should wear, who I should take as my date, etc… and all my lucky readers get to help me choose, because I’m awesome like that.

OMG, I’VE WON AN AWARD WHATEVER SHALL I WEAR!

Does anything induce more fear into a woman than a fancy night out on the town?  When I’m home, I’m sporting pajamas.  Not sexy and stylish Victoria Secret style pajamas either.  We’re talking “People of Wal-Mart” style pajamas, in cotton or flannel, with last night’s dinner and this morning’s breakfast dribbled on it so that if I get hungry later, I don’t have to get up.  At work…well, I work with Senior Citizens, unless I lay under one of those enlarged reading machines, they can’t see what I’m wearing, and trust me…even if they could, they aren’t in any position to judge.  So if you tell me that I have a Christmas party or a girl’s night out and I have to dress up to leave the house…I’m in full-blown panic mode.  Most of my closet ends up on the floor and at some point a tantrum was thrown.  But that was all BEFORE I become famous (in my own mind) and won an award.  Naturally, now I have designers beating down my door to dress me for this auspicious event.  I’ve picked out some favorites in a variety of styles that would certainly work for my BIG moment in the spotlight.

Dress Choice #1 – The Brangelina

imagesWhat’s not to love?  Black is very forgiving and covers almost any flaw.  Of course, I’d need some industrial strength boob tape to keep the sisters from peeking out from the top of the slits in the dress.  And I’m not sure I could keep that pose up all night long.  I’d surely get leg cramps.  I don’t want my big moment highlighted with a limpy gait and a charley horse.

Dress Choice #2:  Eclectic and Brazen

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I’m not sure black can be THAT forgiving but surely the headdress would take away from my unsightly belly bulge and stretch marks.  Right?  The cape/wrap thing could hide my back fat and cottage cheese thighs.

Dress Choice #3:  Animal Lover

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I like the idea of being able to wear a flesh-toned golden shimmer spanx suit underneath this delectable creation.  The vivid imagery evoked by the dress of the beloved fable “The Ugly Duckling” works delightfully with the personal story of my humble beginnings and rise to fame and fortune culminating in this beautiful award.

Dress Choice #4:  I’m Beautiful and Crazy

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Can we all just agree that Halle Berry is probably a little cray cray?  Can we also agree that she’s gorgeous?  I mean God had to make her crazy to keep things fair, right?  So anyway, I could pull this dress off.  Totally.

Dress Choice #5:  Princess

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Who doesn’t want to feel like a princess for a day?  Well, maybe not like Kate Middleton right now, but in general.  The color might wash me out a bit.  I do better with jewel tones, and I’m not sure about the feathers, but I’d feel like a mother freaking princess so who cares!

Dress Choice #6:  Rainbow Bright

imagesI’ve always wanted to dress like Sherbert.  Not.  I typically stay away from colors.  I wear black, gray, black and gray, gray and black…you get the picture.  So when I asked for some color choices, I think someone decided to have a sense of humor.  She bagged Tim McGraw, I guess she doesn’t have to try that hard…at anything.

Dress Choice #7:  Boy Wonder

imagesSeriously?  No.

Dress Choice #8:  Flapper Girl or Prostitute

imagesI should save this dress for my drug problem phase.  Maybe it’s just me, but this dress screams “Skinny Coke Whore”.

Dress Choice #9:  The Mila

imagesWho doesn’t want to be Mila Kunis for a day?  If I had to pick a girl crush that rivaled my Adam Levine obsession, it would be this girl.  And lilac is a lovely color on me….

Dress Choice #10:  Realism

imagesI adore Melissa McCarthy.  She’s hilarious and awesome!  Realistically, this is what I should wear, but it’s my fantasy, which means I get the body of my dreams!  If you show up with this dress, I’m gonna shank you.

OMG, I’VE WON AN AWARD, WHO WILL I TAKE!

I know what you are thinking.

166773992421475339_9dwaR4Iz_bObviously, Adam Levine would be my arm candy of choice.  However, he does moonlight on a TV show called “The Voice” and in a little band called “Maroon 5”, which is touring all over the world right now.  He takes his job as my beloved very seriously (even if he won’t follow me on twitter), but it’s important he have hobbies.  I don’t want him ever feeling objectified.

imagesI understand that if I allow some other man to accompany me on my big night that I will be opening our love to all sorts of speculation and innuendo, but rest assured, we are very happy and very much in love (even though he won’t follow me on twitter).

This begs the question, if Adam can’t make it due to scheduling conflicts, who should I take!

It was very difficult to narrow this list down, but I think I’ve done and I’ve got some really spectacular candidates for you to vote on!

Alternative Date Choice #1:  Alex O’Loughlin

78742693456101694_W5DGJJXz_b 52846995598573542_DAzPi0sm_bYou might recognize him from Hawaii Five-O, the TV show on CBS.  He also starred in the move “The Backup Plan” with Jennifer Lopez.  He’s Australian…so hello, accent.  He was born in 1976 so only a few years younger than myself.  He’s over 6 feet tall, and did I mention Australian?

Alternative Date Choice #2:  Joe Manganiello

images imagesWhether you know him from Magic Mike or HBO’s True Blood, can we all agree, he should never wear clothes?  He was also born in 1976, so no cradle robbing here.  He’s 6’5, which means he could literally throw you around…against walls…let’s not pretend we aren’t all thinking it.  He’s sex on a stick.  I’m not sure he’d be the best conversationalist…but seriously, who cares.

Alternative Date Choice #3:  Lenny Kravitz

images imagesI’ve always carried a torch for Lenny.  He’s just so dirty sexy.  I think he’d be a blast, and he quadruples my cool factor.  I saw him perform live at Jazzfest in New Orleans years ago and he blew my mind.  He was born in 1964, so he’s actually waaaaaay older than me.  Definitely one to consider.

Alternative Date Choice #4:  Ian Somerhalder

images imagesThose eyes.  Those lips.  That chiseled jaw line.  He was born in 1978, so again….not outside the realm of doable.  It’s Damon.  It’s Vampire Diaries.  I really think nothing more needs to be said here.  Why talk when we could stare.

Alternative Date Choice #5:  Alexander Skarsgard

images alexander-skarsgard-20100127-559819‘Cause I need a blonde to round things out.  He’s 6’4, born in 1976 and also a vampire…apparently I have a fetish.  Who knew.  He’s Swedish.  A Swede!  I typically favor dark-haired men, but for him…I’ll make an exception.

Apparently, the awards committee would like to know 7 fascinating facts about me.  You know…for the montage video.  I don’t know what else I could possible tell you that you don’t already know, but I’ll try.

1)  I’m pigeon-toed, and used to wear my shoes on the wrong feet to help me turn them out.  I read once that pigeon-toed people are faster, so I joined track in high school.  Yeah…not so much, at least not for me.

2)  I used to krimp my hair…back in the day.

images3)  My preoccupation with lead singers started with the Norwegian band A-ha and Morten Harket.  I know, I know…very 1980’s of me.

images4)  I’ve got mad thumb war skillz.  Seriously.  I have long fingers (which is a nice way of saying “man hands”) and I’ll kick your ass.  Don’t challenge me.

5)  My belly button was pierced until I got pregnant with man-child in my mid-30’s.

6)  I’m addicted to goat cheese.  I’d lick it off the sidewalk on a crowded street in 100 degree weather.  That’s how much I love it.

7)  My favorite movie to win Best Picture at the Academy Awards is probably Braveheart.  <sigh> Mel Gibson before he went insane.  So sad.  I also loved The Kings Speech.

Instead of telling you 7 other bloggers that I would have nominated in my place, I would like for you to tell me who you would nominate, and it can be yourself!  Because…narcissists.  Yeah.

Thanks again Sadder But Wiser Girl for the shout out, it is much appreciated!

8 thoughts on “And The Oscar Goes To…

  1. Oh my! I so throughly enjoy your blog!! I read it and my boyfriend keeps asking me what’s so funny? I could try and explain but it’s so not worth it because he will never get why I’m cracking up about the pajamas you wear at home or the temper tantrum you throw when trying to get ready for a night on the town. You deserve the award so I *high five* you! Your gonna have to take Joe to the awards ceremony with you because he is 6’5″ and can you throw you up against the wall after the ceremony!!! Thank you for the wonderful laughs this evening! If you decide Joe isn’t the one for you then please him right on to me!! LOL

  2. I don’t know how you do it but you come up THE BEST way to write about regular stuff. It’s awesome how you were given the award but how you presented… Amazeballs Seriously you couldn’t disappoint If you wrote about a plain old grocery bag, somehow you could spin it into a funny story

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