Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby…

I whined complained mentioned yesterday on twitter how I found myself suffering from the dreaded “writer’s block”, and it had been almost a week since my last post.  One blogger and fellow tweeter took pity on me and sent me a link to something called “Theme Thursday”. 

I suddenly felt inspired!  I don’t have time to read every blog, every week like I wish I could, so I have to be selective…especially during the week.  I try to catch up on all my favorites on weekends, but it can get overwhelming.  I try to read one or two before I go to bed each night, and I always like to end my day with  something funny.  I love finding the funny.  The blogger/tweeter who gave me this great idea for a post today, also happens to be redonkulously funny, whether she’s tweeting or blogging, she’s making me laugh.  Please check her out, follow her blog, find her on twitter/Facebook…I promise you will not be disappointed!  Would I lie?  Well…not usually.  Listen, just click the link, you won’t be sorry.  

What?  Oh, right…the link!

The Insomniac’s Dream

She was the lucky chosen one who got my Secret Subject Swap, and it’s awesomesauce!  Read it here.  And because I’m feeling like a linky whore today, read the full list of Secret Subject Swap entries here.  Oh and I’m not done with links just yet!  Apparently, this “Theme Thursday” idea is the brainchild of Something Clever 2.0, and now it’s a link-up and everything! 

This week’s topic is:

“How Having Kids Kills Your Sex Life.”

I can hear my husband groaning as he reads this topic.  He will hang his head, roll his shoulders a few times, take deep breaths and then soldier on through the rest of this post, come what may.  We’ll probably avoid eye contact, and engage in awkward hugging for a few days until we both recover from the intimacy of such a post.  Oh, and my beautiful daughters and faithful readers of mommy’s blog, look away.  Trust me.  Reading this post might actually cause blindness.  Help me, help you.  Move along now.  Nothing to see here. 

Why are you still here!

Ok…I think they are gone.  Whew.  I would love to be one of those women who brags about my awesome sex life.  When the topic of sex comes up with girlfriends, I decide it’s probably a good time to actually eat the food on my plate versus picking at it, or order another drink or maybe it’s potty break time.  I’ll laugh, make jokes, and pray the subject changes quickly and that I don’t have to suffer through any direct questions, because quite frankly, I’m not that good a liar, and I ramble when I’m nervous.  

The thing is…

The naked truth is…

Is it hot in here?

I need a drink.  Why did I think writing this sober while at work was a good idea…

Ok, ok…the truth of the matter is…

Are you sure your ready?

Geez…ok, you don’t have to bite my head off!

I’m nervous… <gulp>

<hand wringing>

Ok, here goes nothing!

The truth is I am part of a super secret government experiment to see if it’s true that after a while with no sexual activity, your virginity does in fact, grow back.  Seriously. 

Totally kidding.

The real reason for my lackluster, virtually non-existent sex life is because I’m saving myself for Adam Levine.  Truthfully, I’m a little concerned he will be concerned that after having a bazillion kids, sex with me will be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway…if you get my meaning.  Obviously, that’s a horrible myth…I mean maybe Octomom or Kate plus 8 minus 1 or whatever might have that issue, but I made sure my OB took care of things…down there.  I believe my exact words might have been along the lines of “hey, make sure you sew me up tighter than a virgin on Prom night”.  I blame the drugs.  

The Adam Levine thing is not true either…probably.  I mean I wouldn’t turn him down.  If I was ever in a position to turn him down…which I mean, obviously I would be…to know me is to love me, most certainly.  I’d bewitch him with my witty charm and snarky comebacks.  He’d be powerless to resist me.  He’s feeling the pull of my seductive charm right this very minute, he just doesn’t know it.  He’s doing this whole hard to get thing now…but it won’t be much longer until he falls under my spell.  The duct tape and rope…no, that’s not for him…most likely.  Doesn’t everyone keep that stuff in their car?  Anyway, I digress…this post isn’t about Adam Levine’s obsession for me, although it totally could be..but it’s not.  Quit distracting me.

I am going to share something of myself in a rare moment of vulnerability…all jokes aside.  The reason the life has been choked out of my sex life truly has nothing to do with our children or our busy lives.  It has everything to do with me, and how I see myself.  I wish I could be one of those women who views every extra pound, scar, stretch mark or cellulited dimple as a badge earned in honor on the Battlefield of Motherhood, but I’m not one of those women.  I don’t want to see myself naked, so why would I let my husband get a peek at the horror show.  It’s hard to even talk about this without resorting to sarcastic self-loathing and witty metaphors…both my armor of choice.  My self-image has taken a beating over the years, and I’m not entirely sure how to pull it back within the bounds of normal or even mostly normal.  My husband tells me I’m beautiful, and I know he means it.  The problem is me, not him.  Unfortunately, he suffers for it, because my lack of sex life is also his lack of sex life…or at least it better be!   

It doesn’t help that I work with Senior Citizens who think I’m the “older woman” in my marriage, when I am in fact several years younger, and like to make comments about it…all the time.  Or the time the clerk behind the liquor counter asked if my husband was my son.  True story.  She then proceeded to card him.  In front of me.  And pretend that she didn’t just ask me if my husband was my son!  I make jokes about that day, but it hurt.  It hurt bad.  I can tell myself it’s because he’s short or any manner of things, but deep down, in the darkest parts of myself, I allow it to confirm what I already know.  I’m fat and unattractive. 

I have three teenage daughters and the last thing I want is for them to ever suffer with poor self-image or a distorted body image.  The only thing I know to do is be honest about my struggles, and hope it’s not something they will ever struggle with as young women.  I know all the things I should be doing.  All the things I need to be doing.  Knowing isn’t the problem.  It’s the doing.  I keep waiting for that switch to go off, or that lightbulb moment…but it doesn’t come.  I’ll go on a diet, I’ll start exercising….and I’ll lose a pound or two and then….nothing.  I’ll get discouraged and depressed until my good friends “Ice Cream” and “Chocolate” come knocking on my door to make me feel better.  Then I’m ashamed that I gave in to these temptation sluts, so I attempt to numb my feelings by eating yet more and exercising less and less until I’m not exercising at all anymore.  A few weeks will go by and then I’ll be shamed yet again into dieting and exercising…and so the cycle goes.  Except every time I swear will be the last time.  

I wish I could be one of those women who shops for clothing at Baby Gap and feels confident in my 10 sizes too small t-shirt or jeans, but I’m not. 

I wish I could be one of those women who talks about how the weight just fell off running after all the kids, and how I never have to work out, but I’m not. 

I wish I had hollow legs, but I don’t.

I wish I was one of those women people think don’t eat, yet consume copious amounts of food every hour, every day, but I’m not.

I wish I loved to exercise, but I don’t.

I wish I loved broccoli instead of chocolate, but I don’t.

I wish I could take a couple of bites out of my favorite foods, and claim to be full, but I’m not. 

I wish I could look at food and feel nothing at all, but I can’t.

I wish I could love myself no matter what I look like and not rely on the definition of beauty as defined by other people, but I’m not.

I eat my feelings, whether I’m happy, sad, depressed, busy, bored…it doesn’t matter what I’m feeling, I’m eating.

So…I have to say, if I’m being honest, which I’m trying to do here…kids didn’t ruin my sex life, I did. 

The question is….what am I going to do about it?

Stay tuned….    

Now that I’ve depressed everyone with my tale of woe…let me tell you how to link up if you want with your own post answering this week’s question.  Click on the link provided below and follow the instructions.  Anyone can play.  It’s that easy.  In the immortal words of Nike…just do it.

Cloudy, With A Chance Of Wine

19 thoughts on “Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby…

  1. Sweet Baby Geezus, I’m in the same self-loathing boat with you right now sister! My husband claims to love me anyway. Whatever. If you ever find an easy fix, let me know 😉

  2. I love your blogs, not just because I know you in ‘real life’ and feel obligated to read them. You are funny and have a way of depicting a situation that makes me laugh. At first I was disappointed that your blog wasn’t it’s normal, light, poke-fun-at-my-husband kind of humor (cause the really is very funny- sorry J) but after reading it I feel sad. Sad that you can’t look at yourself and see what other people see when they look at you. You have blinders on and can’t see the easy-to-get-along-with, funny, exceptionally smart and, yes, attractive woman that you are. I hope you come to learn one day that beautiful people come in all shapes and sizes and EVERYONE has scars, stretch-marks and veins (let’s call them souvenirs). If J married you for your body, I’m sure I wouldn’t like you nearly as much. Please try and see yourself for who you are and not for the ‘souvenirs’ you’ve earned in your lifetime.

    • Awww thank you 🙂 I’m not crying at all. I’m not. Ok, maybe a little. Thank you so much for your kind words, and I wish I could see myself that way. I’ve had a rough year, but I have faith it will get better. I just need voices like yours in my head 🙂 Thanks again, it really means so much.

  3. Truthful, not depressing. I could have written this post. I’m not saving myself for Adam Levine, though I think he is very, very hot.

    Since not working I’ve become pretty dormant. I try, but I’m never going to be the little thing I was before kids. I swear new fat rolls pop up every day. During the week our sex life is pretty nonexistent due to my husband’s long hours at work, but the weekends it’s pretty good. Occasionally he even tells me that he likes how I look. I wish I could see myself like he does.

    This stuff is why we blog! Word.

    • It’s a good thing about Adam…because he’s all mine 😉 Blogging is cheaper than therapy! It was hard to write, it’s much easier to stay with the funny, but that’s what came to me when I got the topic, so I went with it. I’ve gotten some great comments, so I think it was worth it. I’m glad I’m not alone 🙂

  4. You are a braver woman than I. I don’t think I could write about this subject. But I don’t think you should be so hard on yourself. We all get bigger after kids and as we age. And the lifestyle in this country is very sedentary. It’s hard to lose weight when you sit at a computer all day. Plus, I would imagine your husband has aged and isn’t the hard body he once might have been. He’s probably lost some hair too. The point being, it’s all a natural part of life.

    • Yeah, as soon as I wrote it, I went into hiding lol. I almost deleted it, but in the end, I’m glad I kept it. Blogging is my journey, and someday hopefully I’ll look back and see how far I’ve come…right? My husband is a hard body, but he works hard at it. He does have lots of wrinkles and gray hair though, which I don’t have, so I’ll take it! Thanks 🙂

  5. Okay, I found it hilarious that you said your virginity is growing back…

    But I’m so sorry you feel so down! Now, I don’t know your husband, but I’m pretty sure that giving him children makes him more attracted to you than you could ever imagine.

    In time, you will find a way to get your old self back. But do it for YOU and not for anyone else.

    Thanks so much for participating in Theme Thursday! I hope you will continue to join in on the fun!


    • I’m serious, I do wonder if it can grow back lol. Hopefully, I won’t find out. My husband loves every fat roll, but I do need my old self back, if for my sanity and nothing else. I’ve tried doing to appease others and that doesn’t work, so pretty soon I hope I realize I deserve ME time. It’s just so hard. I’m excited to be a part of Theme Thursday!

  6. Someone once told me that when a man looks at a woman he’s in love with, he doesn’t see her as she is, he will always see her as she was when he fell in love with her. This was a very old gentlemen when I used to work in a Nursing Home, and he said this about his emaciated wife that was fading away with cancer and Alzheimer’s. He never saw that. He showed me a picture of her when she was young, and she was beautiful. He carried that picture in his wallet and said that is how he sees her every time he looked at her.

    I took a lot away from that conversation. I paid attention to the Artist. I paid attention to myself and his reactions to my weight gain, shitty hair and loss of makeup. I’ve never seen the light go out of his eyes, or the lust, and I really do think he still sees the 21 year old me that was skinny and cute. I don’t think he sees the extra pounds. I really think he just sees what he wants to see, the girl he first lusted after, and fell for.

    I hope Old Dude was right, I like to think he was.

    I’m sure your husband still sees you as beautiful and you’re too hard on yourself, as most women are.

    Great post, very honest, and that is hard to do.

    Thanks, too, for the shout out. Keep rocking it, girl, you’re awesomesauce!

    • Awww thanks 🙂 I love the story, and I work with Seniors, so I think it is true. He thinks I am so hard on myself, and he’s always encouraging me to take time for myself. I’m a work in progress I guess. Hopefully tomorrow is better than the day before, right 🙂 Thanks and I think you’re pretty awesomesauce yourself!

  7. Truthful, honest, and vulnerable. I can totally identify… and some days are better than others, but when you are literally the last person on the list of importance on your LONG list of people who need your love, attention, and care, you wind up getting shafted. I burst out in tears the other night because of my low self esteem (I am pregnant and AS BIG AS A FRICKIN HOUSE) but also I don’t ever take time for me. From simple showers to buying clothes that actually fit and make me feel good, to make-up, to just taking some me time… I have totally neglected me. So you are absolutely right… kids DID this to us! And I think writing your post highlights the fact that we don’t really acknowledge that in our lives until it is right there staring us in the face.

    I am so glad you wrote this, and I’m so glad I found you! You’re going on my blogroll!

    • That is truly the crux of the issue, I always put myself last! I’ve had a tough year, so that hasn’t helped. Any time I do anything for myself, I feel guilty. What we all need to realize is that sometimes the best we can do for our children and husband is to do for ourselves. But it’s easier said than done. I just realized you were pregnant the other day on twitter! How exciting!!! I’m glad I found you too! We’ll have each other if nothing else 🙂 I need to do a blogroll…

  8. Truth is good, girl! Don’t be so hard on yourself though. I’m sure you are your own worst critic. We all are 🙂 And remember, the grass is NEVER greener, because everybody has their own sack of shit they have to fertilize theirs with!! Chin up…..and I don’t mean in the sense of exercise. Unless you really want to!!

    Thanks for joining us this week. I look forward to reading more.

      • Awe, thanks! That picture was taken right before I randomly jumped onstage to dance with a funk band last year while in Toronto for TIFF. It just sums up my “HELL YEAH” attitude 🙂

  9. Don’t be so hard on yourself. We all probably feel the way you do but most of us are scared to admit it. All of your “I wish” are mine except to be honest I do love broccoli but I also love chocolate and I would take chocolate over broccoli any day. Its hard to be a mom, wife and look like a Victoria Secret model….unless you are a Victoria Secret model and have 3 cooks, 5 nannies, a housekeeper and a yoga instructor….last time I checked none of us had any of it. I loved your honesty with this post so honest and raw…wonderful!!

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