P.S. I Love You Too!

Guess what!  I not only win fabulous awards but I also get fan mail!  I used to be annoyed whenever I would hear Lady Gaga in an interview because every other word is “fan”.  For example:

“I love my fans.  When you are in the public eye, you are a role model, whether you want to be or not.  I’m here for my fans.  It’s the fans I do all this for, not the fame.  I have the greatest fans in the world.  Seriously, my fans are the reason I get up in the morning.  Everything I do, I do for my fans.  I want to be someone my fans can be proud of and someone who makes my fans feel like they belong.  Because my fans are awesome.  My fans drive me.  My fans motivate me.  My fans are the reason I’m here today!  My music is for my fans.”

Yes, yes…we get it.  You LOVE your FANS!  I don’t know why I find this annoying, but I do.  Until now.  Now I get it.  Fan mail.  Fan mail changed my life.  Oh, how I love you my fans.  To show my appreciation of your adoration and dedication, I’ve decided to devote this post to you…my fans.  I’m going to spend some time answering the letters you so carefully crafted.  I have tears.  In my eyes.  Also could be the freezing cold wind whipping in my face, or an eyelash, but probably it’s your letters.  I read each one myself.  I don’t have people.  Because this blog makes no money, and my real job makes no money, and I have 4 kids, so I’m poor.  So, I have no people.  I don’t need people though, because I have fans like you!  That is enough to sustain me.  I don’t have awesome stuff to give away like Oprah, but I don’t want any of you to leave empty-handed so I’m sharing a few of my favorite things:

  Those are caramel’s.  I know it looks like blocks of cheese, but it’s caramel.  Unless, you like cheese, then maybe I could scrounge some up somewhere.  But seriously, eat the caramel.  I have to go on this whole “I’m attending Adam Levine’s concert in March and I want to appear in the front row looking like a super-model and throw size 2 panties on the stage, not size 16 (and by size 16 I mean bigger but I don’t want to scare anyone with my tent-sized underwear)  granny panties because there is nothing sexy about the granny panty” diet.  I hate the word panties.  The Lifesaver “Big Ring” gummies are gross.  I’m not gonna lie to you, because you’re my fans.  Even the red ones.  It’s hard to screw up the red ones.  They are big and kinda hard to chew.  I ate them anyway, or rather just chewed and chewed and chewed until my jaw started to hurt and then I just swallowed it.  Whole.  It kinda hurt and I almost choked to death, but it’s only because I have a very sensitive gag reflex, I’m sure my fans could handle the “Big Ring” gummies.  Anyway, enjoy.  And know I love you. 

Now, I thought it would be fun to answer some of your letters!  Yay!

LETTER #1

Dear My Brain on Kids,

with regards to drinking. Lmao sirpain may.  Inside the event work could also execute
total changes in lifestyle while step out of a depressive disorder.
Before you start practicing allow you to wonder posted due to molecular.
after july , while lowfat spanish stores systematically by way of simple comfortable
zone and cash suitably, may well be . La kindergarten because there were being being unbelievably the unhealthy
also regular exercise, internet marketing feasting on a real sonic bistro at college, lunches were definitily rather, reasonably
easy. Because i was confident questions odd, mad provocative what you eat  high school graduation since i do know just for a healthy body mass index increase the force adds. You will you’re

Yours,

Hound Dog

My Dearest Hound Dog,

I can see that perhaps English isn’t your first language, and I am so touched and honored that you would attempt to write a letter to me in my native tongue.  I admit I haven’t tried Sirpain May.  Is this a wine or beer?  Do they sell it at Target?  I tend to be lazy about my booze buying and prefer to drink things I can buy while grocery shopping.  I’m sure you can understand that with 4 kids, it’s difficult to find time to go to the liquor store.  One time I did take my kids, but there was this whole awkward scene where I had to explain to my son what a “blow-job” shot was after placing the 4-pack in our cart (pretty excited they sell my favorite shots now, so I avoid the whole awkward “40-year-old woman at a bar, ordering shots that sound dirty but aren’t” scene).  I miss the days when he couldn’t read.  Not to mention, that whole argument with the Russian guy (pretty sure he was mafia) about which brand of kahlua is the best.  He won that argument, but only because I had kids with me, and I try to be a good example.  Clearly.  I’m very sorry to hear about your depressive disorder.  I did not know that Spanish grocery stores sold very tasty low-fat options for the perennial dieter, but I will check it out!  Thank you so much for the recommendation!  I have to admit the only thing I really know about molecular gastronomy is from that weird guy that was on Top Chef.  What was his name?  Do you know?  I agree that exercise is important.  Don’t even get me started on school lunches!  Glad to hear you are taking such an active interest in making life better for children.  You’re letter ended a bit abruptly, so I hope you’re okay!  Anyway, I loved hearing from you, and thank you for your continued support!  Have a caramel and tell your friends!

Sincerely,

My Brain on Kids

LETTER #2

Dear My Brain on Kids,

Aw, this was an incredibly nice post. Finding the time and actual effort to produce a very
good article… but what can I say… I procrastinate a lot and
don’t seem to get nearly anything done.

With Love,

Naturally Get Rid of Your Stretch Marks

Dear Naturally,

Thank you so much for writing me!  I’m glad you love my work.  I also suffer from procrastination.  You are not alone!  I entered this blog challenge where you are supposed to write a post every day for 31 days.  My 31 days is almost up, and I’m like 6-7 posts behind.  I’m going to tell you a secret, please don’t sell it to the tabloids.  This is just between you and me, but somehow I think you will understand.  I spend an inordinate amount of time hunting for stretch mark creams.  (Adam Levine if you somehow get a hold of this letter, I totally do not have stretch marks, this is a vicious lie told by my frenemies because they are jealous!)  Anywho, most of the products out there don’t really work, and trust me, I spend hours lubing myself up and about the only thing these so-called miracle cures are good for is making a slip n slide deadly and scary fun.  Seriously, half the time you don’t even need the water.  It can make sex like trying to hold jello, but that’s just a small sacrifice to pay for beauty don’t you think?  I’m going to leave you with a hug, not candy, because well….stretch marks.  Thank you for being the awesome fan that you are!

Sincerely,

My Brain on Kids

LETTER #3

To The Lovely and Talented My Brain on Kids,

There are a few possible causes of yeast infections such as; taking certain antibiotics or birth control pills, douching with over the counter products wiping out good bacteria that fight yeast infections, using
spermacides during intercourse, or using perfumed vaginal deodorants, wearing clothing that is
too tight or even sitting in a wet bathing suit for too
long. The best way to manage your anxiety about the delivery is to remember
that this has happened to millions of women, for thousands
of years, and you will be ok. After this, the surgeon or gynecologist will be able to help you find the most
suitable answers for every question and eventually solve your
problems.

With Devoted Love,

CureVaginalDryness

Dear Cure,

Wow!  Thank you so much for worrying about my vagina.  I’m deeply touched.  I know my life is pretty much an open book, but even I have to admit talking about my hoo-ha feels a little strange.  I do realize that if I went up into my actual jean size, instead of trying to wear a couple of sizes smaller, that I might be…more comfortable, but I’m on this Adam Levine diet so pretty soon these jeans will be falling off of me and problem solved!  Which will be sad, because my muffin top is sort of my trademark.  It’s a testament to my writing that you feel close enough to me to discuss my va ja ja.  Believe me, I am so flattered!  I just think a girl needs to have some secrets, ya know?  Because you are such a devoted fan, I’m giving you both a caramel and a “Big Ring” gummie! 

Hugs and Kisses,

My Brain on Kids

I wish I had time to answer more letters today!  If I missed you today, I promise you will hear from me soon.  Without my amazeballs fans, I wouldn’t have this blog, or these awards or anything! 

I love you all!  Keep reading, keep commenting and spread the love.  Seriously, tell your friends.

If you have time, I have one teensy small little tiny favor to ask.  If you love me like I know you do, please write Adam Levine and tell him to follow me on twitter.  It’s a small thing really, but it would make me even more fabulous!  Or I would die of happiness.  But probably the first thing.  So, do it!  You know you want to.

Hugs and Kisses to All!

     

26 thoughts on “P.S. I Love You Too!

  1. Can I be your FAN too? I feel like being a FAN is the next best thing to having many FANS. Especially since FANS receive such love from their celebrities. Pretty please? I promise to writing you a confusing and rambling fan letter endorsing some random product line for you to try.

  2. This is something else. MBOK. I enjoyed the “fan” mail, especially “Hound Dog.” He sounds like one of those badly translated movies from Babel Fish by way of some Nigerian EMail scam that has wended it’s way through 38 countries, plus the Russian Mafia, or is it Maf-y-a? Who knows? Or is it Scramble Fish? What a riot. Seriously though, I am going to have to get a brain transplant, if I keep reading your stuff and I’m not going to stop. Spam fan mail. Ha Ha Tee hee. ❤

  3. I laughed so hard my husband came to see if I was being injured in some way. You truly do have the best fans. I hope they write more letters, also you might want to look into getting a spam blocker. Ya know, but only if you want to miss out on this awesomeness.

  4. Pingback: Share The Love Sunday: Almost Cancelled | It's A Dome LifeIt's A Dome Life

  5. Hey CureVaginalDryness!!! I thought you were MY fan…you know the post about not poisoning yourself by making vaginal suppositories out of boric acid because your an idiot?? Ok, I’m sorry…come back…maybe I can write another one about how i went on a beach vacation and wore a bathing suit 90% of the time and didn’t get a yeast infection…??? please…pretty please…I miss u…

    (BAWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

  6. Aw, you have the best readers. I’ve had a blogger keep friending me with the name “getting rid of STD’s”, but nothing as lucky as getting rid Vaginal dryness and Stretch Marks. Some people have all the luck. Never stop your Spam. This makes for awesome posts.

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