Two Awards and a Bible

I asked my husband to throw a Bible at me.  Like literally.  I also told him not to miss and aim for my head.  Oh and I also asked if I could videotape it.

That look on your face right now….yeah, that’s the same look he wore.  I don’t get it.  Is my request that unreasonable?  Anyway, he said no.  Something about “desecration” and “sacrilege”…  I do wonder if I had suggested a dish or a Stephen King novel, if he would have complied with my request no questions asked.  If perhaps hitting me wasn’t the problem, but hitting me with a Bible was what he found offensive.  Hmmm.

You might be wondering what prompted my request in the first place.  Well, two things really.

  1. I won two awards recently
  2. Dina Lohan’s interview with Dr. Phil.

Whenever I win an award, I go a little “celebricrazy”.  I pretend the Paparazzi is following me, and let a boob hang out or forget to wear underwear.  I act all dramatic, which as it turns out isn’t really that hard for me.  I make my kids do weird things….I mean weirder than normal.  I coerce my husband into making sexy time videos or in this case hitting me with a Bible.

After finding out I had won two awards, I saw the interview Dina Lohan did with Dr. Phil where she accuses her ex-husband (Lindsay’s dad) of throwing a Bible at her head in a fit of rage on their honeymoon.  Color me stupid, but that might have been a sign to the both of them not only to NOT stay married, but to refrain from procreation as well.  Naturally, he denies this allegation.  He claims he’s punched her in the face before, but NEVER and I mean NEVER has he thrown a Bible at her head.  I don’t know about you, but I was so RELIEVED to hear that news!

Not to be outdone by the loony Lohan’s, I tried to stage my very own publicity stunt, but my selfish husband wouldn’t do something as simple as lob a Bible at my head, so here I am before you, accepting these awards like a….well, normal person, I guess.  Booooooooring.  I know.

The Versatile Blogger Award I received from Menopausal Mother.  I could play on her blog site forever.  She’s got this awesome heart cursor and every time you move it, it showers down little heart dust.  Adorable!  I know it seems like I’m on drugs, but this is just my personality…I promise.

As part of accepting this award, I have to mention 7 random things about myself.  This is going to be difficult, because obviously I LOVE hate talking about myself.

  1. I supported the Women’s Health Run 10 Feed 10 charity so I could get the tote bag.  It’s not that I don’t care about starving children, because I do!  And yes, technically, I was supposed to run 10 miles.  And I did download the training app, and I did open it…once, and I did donate.  But truth be told, I really just wanted the tote bag…so there’s that.

2.  I bite my nails.  I know it’s a disgusting habit.  The worst part, I throw my nail bits behind the couch.  Yikes!  Sorry honey….

3.  I sometimes use my husband’s razor to shave….indiscriminately.  And by indiscriminately, I mean any body part that might require shaving, I’m not picky about it….  I do this out of revenge, because he uses by body wash, my shaving cream, my shampoo and my body lotions…yeah he’s not at all girly….

4.  I talk to myself.  All the time.  I’ll even hold up my phone, or wear my bluetooth headset so it looks like I’m talking to someone, but really I’m just recreating a fight I had with someone or a conversation in which I wish I would have responded differently.  Don’t act like you’ve never done this….  Someone told me once, you’re only insane if when talking to yourself, you respond.  And I’ve never done that…I don’t think… (thinking)

5.  If I put something in my grocery cart and then decide later I don’t need it or want it, I hide it behind a bunch of crap depending on what aisle I’m in and it doesn’t matter if it’s cold or frozen or not.  Yeah…I’m THAT person.

6.  I once ate 4 boxes of Wintergreen Tic Tac’s in one sitting.  And by one sitting, I mean 5 minutes.  I can’t even let myself buy them anymore, my addiction is so great.

7.  I sometimes hide my husband’s things and then secretly laugh as he runs around the house trying to remember where he left them.  I’ll eventually “find” the missing item and then make him feel bad for being angry at losing it in the first place and taking that anger out on me.  I do this because of that one time he lost his car key and it cost us over $250 to replace it.  Never underestimate a women’s lust for revenge.  He’s gonna be so mad when he reads this, and now every time he loses something I’ll have completely lost my leverage, but it’s so worth it 😀  xoxo (for the record, I’ve only done it one or twice or maybe more….)  This is almost as fun as that time he thought he lost the bank card, and then found it like 2 weeks later (after we cancelled it and had the bank reissue a new one) under man-child’s pillow.  Where man-child had hidden it.  Apparently, this trait is hereditary.  Just harmless little pranks my love…honey?  honey?

Thank you so much Menopausal Mother for thinking of me!  I tried to come up with a really awesome acceptance speech.  The only one I could come up with was reminiscent of the speech Jack Palance gave when he won an Oscar and did that one-arm push up.  Yeah…I tried that and got tennis elbow.  Well, I didn’t actually try a one-arm push up…it was more like Downward Facing Dog, the Yoga position.  And I wasn’t doing it while accepting this award, it actually happened a couple of months ago, but I ignored the blinding pain in my elbow until I was convinced I had cancer, then I went to the doctor where he informed me it wasn’t broken…and THANK GOD because I totally would have walked around for 2 months with a BROKEN ARM, so thanks for that Dr. Stupid.  Anyway, now I can’t work out because everyone knows that even walking inflames tennis elbow, but I did get a 10 day supply of hyrdrocodone, and all you get is this crappy post.  That should be a t-shirt!  Which reminds me of the t-shirts my daughter’s homecoming group picked out…

Yes, I’m so proud.  It was in a very nice and respectable lime green color.  I think I’ve figured out why the mum’s are so big….  Yes, homecoming groups make t-shirts that they all wear in solidarity to school on Football Homecoming Day with the list of their names on the back.  My personal favorite of the year, might be the shirt with the picture of the Rubik’s Cube and the words “The more you play with it, the harder it gets” on it.  I could do a whole post about this phenomenon alone, but I have another award to accept!

I received The Laine Blogger Award from my esteemed bloggy friend Happy Little Feet.  I’ve told you to check her out before, if you haven’t, you really must do so now!  She’s awesome, fun, creative, talented and adorable!

In order to receive this award, I must answer 5 questions:

1.  What is your current beauty obsession?

 It probably should be Botox or liposuction, but sadly its hair removal.  Nothing glamorous like laser hair removal, just the old-fashioned plucking variety.  I’m sprouting hair where no one should find hair…ever.  My nipples sometimes look like the center of a sunflower, and I wish I was joking.  It happens overnight.  I think there is miracle-gro in my body lotion.  I’ll go to bed hair free and wake up looking like the Wooly Mammoth’s ugly sister.  It’s awful, I know.

2.  What is ONE item you wished you owned?

A t-shirt that Adam Levine has worn or slept in…not sweated in because “natural” smells don’t turn me on.  I want his cologne or after shave or body wash smell all saturated in it and I want to hide it under my pillow, like lavender, where I can smell it and it will help me sleep on those nights I’m plagued with insomnia.  Also, I might keep it in my underwear drawer during the day, like those potpourri satchel’s they sell in Victoria’s Secret.  That’s not weird or creepy?  Right?  I mean, I don’t come up with these questions!

3.  What is your favorite topic to read about?

I’m a whore for celebrity gossip.  I googled for the uncensored naked pics of Kate Middleton, and it was disappointing.  That poor girl needs a sandwich or a big bowl of pasta…every day.  I’m shameless in my quest for celebrity gossip.  I know it sounds like I’m bragging.  I’m not.  It’s my guilty pleasure.

4.  What inspired you to become a blogger? 

I carry around weird crap in my head, and it needed to get out.  I don’t really consider myself a blogger anyway.  My favorite thing is laughing.  At myself, at other people, at members of my family…I’m not discriminatory.  I think people take themselves way to seriously, especially some bloggers and parents, so I throw my lack of normalcy out there like spaghetti against a wall and see what sticks, and I try to have fun while doing it.

5.  What nail polish are you wearing now?

Speaking of random…  None.  I rarely paint my nails.  My husband thought I was trying some new fangled trick with polish on my toe nails, so he complimented the look, unsure what the proper etiquette should be when you aren’t sure about someone’s toe polish.  I assured him that no compliments were necessary.  The toe polish on my big toe’s only was from 4 months ago, and instead of taking it off with polish remover, I was just letting it grow out.  So, you want me now or later honey?

Thank you so much Happy Little Feet for thinking of me, and bestowing this award upon me.  I’m not sure what you see in my, but I’m glad you’re here!

Now, I’m supposed to nominate bloggers.  I never do what I’m told.  Instead, I’m going to provide links to the 5 funniest blogs I’ve read this week.  Pour yourself a glass of wine and prepare to snort it out your nose in laughter.  I hope you enjoy these bloggers as much as I do.

Momaical and The Running of the Squirrels

Let Me Start By Saying…My Little Pony: A Whore, A Secret & A Kimono’s Worst Nightmare

Frugalistablogdotcom’s Sky Rockets in Flight…afternoon delight

Sorry Kid, Your Mom Doesn’t Play Well With Others and the Redneck Wedding

Sticky Situation by The Bearded Iris and Parenting with Crappy Pictures

10 thoughts on “Two Awards and a Bible

  1. Thanks for the shout out to my illustrated post with The Bearded Iris!!! (And I bite my nails too but I take it one step grosser. I just spit them out randomly. All over the house. While you have that neat and tidy couch pile.)

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