Are We There Yet? She Said/He Said Version

The next few days are extremely busy for me.  I don’t want to get way behind on my blogging challenge, so I decided to share a vacation blog that I wrote a couple of years ago with my husband.  We do a “she said/he said” blog, where we take turns recapping our vacation day activities.  We had this insane brilliant idea to rent an RV and drive to Destin, Florida for a week and stay in RV parks along the way.  Yeah, what could possibly go wrong with cramming 6 people in a tiny RV for a week?  This post only covers Day 1.  So, you get to meet my husband and hopefully get a laugh or two at our expense!

DAY 1: SHE SAID (OR THE TRUTH)

I’m hot, sweaty, tired, claustrophobic, and irritable and I’m pretty sure my children left their brains behind in Dallas, where my husband and I also left our patience.  Are we there yet?  No?  Well, where are we?  We hadn’t even left Dallas County yet.  Probably on the road for 45 minutes.  It’s a 15 hour drive.  Feeling my pain yet?  OMG…

The week leading up to our family vacation should have been my first clue, the fates were all but shouting ABORT! ABORT!  Let me recap for you:

I ran into a glass door and busted my nose, didn’t break it but got a nose bleed and left a face imprint on the glass which rudely remained there for the whole next day as a reminder of my stupidity.  My nose was sore, and I’m still afraid to blow it, which has led to other issues (well, “supposed” issues, hubby says I snore, he’s got no proof).

Our garage door broke, trapping my husband and the kids in the house on finals week.  He handled everything gracefully (insert sarcasm here).  My kindle broke.  Our TV broke.  Our dog had bloody stools.  I fell off a curb at work and twisted my ankle slightly and bruised my hip.  We had a record number of emergency calls at work, and so many residents coming and going from area hospitals it was hard to keep track of them all.  There might have been more bad luck, but I can’t remember, it’s possible I hit my head when I fell from the curb.

My favorite emergency call was from Lord and Lady R.  A couple still unhappily married after a billion years, both well into their 90s and determined to kill each other.  Seriously.  The ambulance arrives, I go down to find out which R it is, the Lady or the Lord.  I walk in to hear the Lady screaming at the Lord, I don’t hear a response, so it must be the Lord.  He’s lying in bed, looking deathly pale, she’s at the kitchen table graciously talking about his congenital heart disease and the fact that at 95 we can hardly expect him to live much longer, after which he wails in the background.  It’s hard to tell if he’s wailing for God to please come and take him from this nagging shrew, or if he’s distressed that she’s screaming about his death, or if he’s in pain.  The (hot) EMT’s check him out, but because of his pacemaker they can’t get a good read.  He is mainly unresponsive and incoherent, so they decided to take him to the hospital, to which Lady R replies, “Thank God, peace and quiet, now I can sleep”.  More moaning and wailing from Lord R.  Do I exaggerate?  Sadly no.  The ambulance takes him away, with Lady R screaming in the background, that if they take him they better bring him back because she is too weak to drive!  True love.

So, enter vacation.  I am so ready.  We get up early, drop the dogs off at their respective sitters, and head to pick up our RV.  Ummm.  We pull into the RV rental place, and my only thought is please God let this not be the right place.  I see rust and garbage and mayhem everywhere I turn, if there is a business office located inside this place, I can’t see it.  I can’t get out of there fast enough.  Have fun, honey!  More on the RV pick up during the “He Said” portion.  (See how I plugged for you honey?)  I have to run one more time by the store, when hubby sends me this text.

“Get air fresheners, cleaning supplies and matches”

I am completely freaking now.  I don’t like to call myself a snob, and I’m not about MOST things, but come on…!  I wasn’t expecting 5 stars on wheels, but…ok yes maybe.  As it turns out, it was exactly what I realistically expected, meaning I didn’t need to wear protective armor and anti-bacterial every surface down.  We load the RV, and we are officially on our way at 11:30am on Saturday, June 5, 2010.  Woo freaking hoo!

The most irritating thing about the whole driving experience, apart from the heat and the whining and being in the car for hours on end with no hope in sight was that my beloved didn’t seem to appreciate my running commentary while he was driving.  He kept getting really defensive and yelling at me.  Before you rush to take sides (mine obviously), and in the spirit of fairness, I will give you examples of comments made by moi:

“wow, the driver in the car ahead of us has a really nasty looking mole on the back of his neck” or

“hey, honey, about a ½ mile ahead of us, there are cars braking.” or

“I didn’t realize you could take an exit that fast without overturning, that was…exhilarating…ummm or not”

So as you can now clearly see by my demonstration, my side is the side of right and you all agree with me, he was clearly being unreasonable.  I’m sure he’ll spin it ugly during his version, but I expect my super smart audience to be wise to his shenanigans and not fall for his cunning manipulation of the truth.  Truth-seekers keep constant vigilance!!!

So anyway, our journey took us out of east Texas, into Louisiana, then into Mississippi then back into Louisiana…huh?  What?  Wait a minute…!  Yes, yes it did and then lost.  And by this time it’s 10 pm; we are all hot, sweaty, tired, irritated, short-fused and ready for a shower and bed.  I make the executive decision it is time to find the nearest hotel and start fresh in the morning.  So, we paid for one night at the RV Park we didn’t use, maybe they will have pity on us and give us a refund, but I doubt it.  It is currently 11:32pm and I’m exhausted, so signing off for now.  I’m sure I didn’t include every memento of our fabulous first day, but these are the highlights.  Hubby will have more for you tomorrow morning, I’m sure (he’s not as dedicated as me, and is probably sleeping by now).  In case you’re wondering about that last statement, we are in separate hotel rooms.  We couldn’t get adjoining rooms, so we divided and conquered, or is it conquered and divided?  Either way, I bid you goodnight.

P.S.  My oldest daughter wants everyone to know that on more than one occasion, I might have called her stupid or told her to shutup.  I don’t recall the so-called events, but I promised to mention it anyway.

P.S.S.  Am I the only one who finds it irritating to be bombarded with questions every 2 seconds, for example:  “Can I drink this water?”  “Can I eat these chips?”  “Is this white trash bag the trash?”  Need I go on…?

P.S.S.S.  The dog is fine, Amazon sent me another Kindle, the TV and garage are fixed and all the children are still alive.

DAY 1: HE SAID (LIES ALL LIES)

All things that have a beginning…begin.   I know, extremely profound.   Of course it is hard to tell exactly where our little soiree began.  As my wife has so eloquently stated, did it begin with a face plant in the glass, the Flat-Screen TV going out, the Garage door spring breaking or on the actual day we left or from the moment I arrived to pick said RV?  Who knows?

Law of Nature #613: the week before your scheduled vacation, EVERYTHING WILL GO WRONG.

I am sure there is logic embedded in there somewhere.

At any rate, let us move on to the highlights of DAY 1: The “Griswold” RV vacation.

Saturday Morning:  Proceed to drop off animals and pick up RV.    Animal Drop = good.   RV pick up = OMG!!!   When we arrive, in the back of my mind, the theme song of Sanford and Son immediately starts playing.   Now, I am not a snooty person, and as a budding minister I do my best to see the good in all types of people.  That said; let us just say that I was well… a tad taken aback.   I am not sure if this was an RV graveyard or the actual RV pick up site.   I turn to my wife and see the beads of nervous sweat dropping which appeared on her forehead and come up with, “hey honey, just drop me off you don’t have to stay”.  Her reply “You thought I was staying?”   Well, I get dropped off at the Sanford and Son RV resort, my wife fish tales out of the drive way, and I am left with Gomer Pyle and his associates to review documents, shoot the breeze and proceed with my RV walkthrough.   The walkthrough went well, and to my surprise, while not a new “as seen on the Internet” vehicle, the RV was in good condition.

As I am sitting there filling out forms, Gomer ask me for some emergency contacts.  Then he proceeds to tell me he will need these in case something happens and we don’t return with the RV… like “going camping and getting mauled by cougars or other wild animals”.   Yes he said that.    After this little Karma mud pie, Gomer then reminds me that the onboard fire extinguisher is really on there to, “get my family out in the case of a deadly fire”.   Oh there is more…he then informs me that should the RV catch fire it will ignite and burn at an alarming rate and the toxic fumes from the plastic burning will blind me and make it impossible to save anyone trapped inside…   REALLY?!   SERIOUSLY?!   Thanks again for Karma mud pie # 2.!!!    Just keep smiling… Just keep smiling.

Saturday Afternoon:   RV is loaded and we are on the road!!   Yeee HAAAWWWW!    Now, I love my wife.  Let me start with that.  I really do LOVE my wife.   I can also state that I have read my wife’s entry upon this writing and feel like I must say only one thing.    Honey, you’re RIGHT!   I am sorry for driving in a manner that made you nervous, scared or at times delivered you to the brink of a nervous breakdown.    That said, the aversion you seem to have against the color red (brake lights) scares me a tad.  And yes, while there have been some incidents involving bridges in the past… I can assure you that 98% of the time, bridges will operate as designed and we will not fall off in to the abyss below.

Saturday Evening:  Ok it is late, we are not really lost (as a man I will NOT admit to being lost), but we are not really sure if we are going the right way either.   Add to this, we are all hot, tired and desire creature comforts.  So the boss (that is my wife) makes a decision:  TO THE HOTEL NOW!     I give my assent to this stroke of genius and on the first night of our “RV” trip we enjoy a comfortable night inside the domain of a Marriott hotel.. ahhhhh!!

More to follow.  Next stop: Biloxi, MS.

2 thoughts on “Are We There Yet? She Said/He Said Version

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