Ralph and Alice….Reincarnated

The Real Ralph:  “One of these days, Alice, one of these days… bang… zoom”

If you don’t already know, I work with Senior Citizens.  Unfortunately, I’ve seen my fair share of death and suffering.  Luckily, humor abounds to break up the suck.  Otherwise, I would probably hate my job.  My office is on the same floor as our version of “Ralph” and “Alice” from The Honeymooner’s.  Before you think I am dating myself, this show existed waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay before my time, but I’ve heard of it and watched it in reruns.  In order to protect their identity, I will refer to them as “Ralph” and “Alice”.

I’m going to recap some conversations/arguments that I’ve had the good fortune to witness or hear about over the last week.  There will be foul language, and there is nothing that I love more than a 90-year-old potty mouth.  So, if bad language offends you then you should probably cut and run now.

Scene 1:  Ralph and Alice are trying to get off the elevator.  Alice just got a new scooter, and she’s not very adept at handling it yet (she’s almost run over me a few times).  Ralph is in a walker.  Alice is about 5 feet nothing and Ralph tops 6 feet easily (not stooped over, he’s probably 6’5).  Ralph is standing outside the elevator, holding the doors open and Alice is inside the elevator in her scooter.  She is attempting to back out of the elevator, so Ralph is “helping”.

Ralph:  “Christ Almighty, Alice, just back out!”

Alice:  “Well, shit, I’m trying!  I hate this goddamn scooter”

Ralph:  “Jesus Christ, watch out!  You’re going to hit the wall again!”

Alice:  ” WELL HELP ME!  DON’T JUST YELL AT ME!”

Ralph:  “I’M NOT YELLING!  DAMMIT, QUIT HITTING THE WALL!”

Alice:  “I’LL JUST STAY ON THE ELEVATOR!”

Ralph:  “YOU CAN’T STAY ON THE ELEVATOR, NOW JUST MOVE FORWARD AND BACK OUT STRAIGHT THIS TIME”

Ralph:  “Oh Jesus Alice”

Ralph:  “WHY ARE YOU MOVING ALL THE WAY TO THE BACK OF THE ELEVATOR? STOP!  NOW BACK OUT STRAIGHT!”

Ralph:  “I said STRAIGHT!  QUIT TURNING!”

Alice:  “I AM BACKING OUT STRAIGHT!”

Ralph:  “OH MY GOD, YOU ALMOST HIT ME. “

Alice:  “WELL GODDAMN  IT RALPH, GET OUT OF THE WAY!”

Ralph:  “I’M KEEPING THE DOOR OPEN UNLESS YOU WANT IT TO HIT YOU!”

Alice: (mumbles under breath) “I know what I’d like to hit.”

Ralph:  “WHAT?”

Alice:  “NOTHING!”

Ralph:  “FINE!”

Alice:  “JUST SHUT UP AND GET BACK TO OUR APARTMENT.  YOU’VE EXHAUSTED ME.”

Ralph: (mumbles something under his breath that I don’t catch)

I probably should have intervened, but I was too busy laughing, peeing my pants and hiding behind a door.  Until she hits his walker and drags it halfway down the hall.  Then I have to help because he’ll fall trying to get to it.

Scene 2:  Ralph is on the exercise bike and Alice is “supervising” from her scooter.

Ralph:  (tries to get off the bike)

Alice:  “GODDAMN IT RALPH, YOU AREN’T DONE YET.  10 MORE MINUTES!”

Ralph:  “I’m tired!”

Alice:  “You know what the doctor said, now 10 more minutes.  GET ON THE BIKE!”

Ralph:  “Christ Almighty.”

Ralph:  “Goddamn it”

Ralph:  “HAS IT BEEN 10 MINUTES YET?”

Alice:  “NO!  I’LL TELL YOU NOW KEEP BIKING!”

Alice:  “mumble mumble TIRED OF THIS SHIT”

Ralph:  (mumble grumble) “Christ”

Alice:  (more mumbling) “Let’s go”

Ralph:  “WHAT?”

Alice:  “I SAID LET’S GO!”

Ralph:  “ok, you don’t have to yell, Christ Almighty!”

Alice: “JUST COME ON!  mumble grumble deal with goddamn mumble mumble sick and tired grumble mumble, well shit mumble mumble”

Scene 3:  Alice approaches a co-worker of mine

Alice:  “I need to get my hair done.  I don’t have time to go all the way back to the apartment, but I don’t want to take him (she jerks her head in Ralph’s general direction).  I need an hour away from him (jerks head again).”

Co-worker:  “Okay, we can call and have a nurse escort him back to the apartment, and you can go get your hair did”

Alice:  “Thank you.  I just can’t stand to look at his face one more minute.”

Ralph:  “WHAT?”

Alice:  (mumbles)

Co-worker: “I’m going to have a nurse take you back to your apartment, Ralph.”

Ralph:  “WHAT’S SHE (jerks his head in her general direction) GONNA DO?”

Co-worker:  “Alice is going to get her hair done.”

Ralph:  “CHRIST ALMIGHTY!  AGAIN!  DIDN’T YOU JUST HAVE IT DONE LAST WEEK?”

Alice:  “THIS IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!  DO YOU SEE WHAT I DEAL WITH…”

Ralph:  “WHAT?”

Alice:  “OH GODDAMN  IT NEVER MIND.  JUST GO TO THE APARTMENT AND WAIT.”

Ralph:  “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT!”

Co-worker:  “I’ve got someone coming to get you.”

Ralph:  “WHAT?”

Co-worker:  “I’ve got…”

Alice:  (interrupts) “JUST SIT DOWN ON YOUR WALKER RALPH AND SHUT UP.”

Co-worker:  “I’ve got someone coming to help you back to the apartment.”

Ralph:  “OH.  OK THEN.  WHERE’S SHE GOING?”

Alice:  “Oh for the love of God!”

Co-worker:  “She’s going to get her haircut, remember?”

Ralph:  “Oh, yeah right.”

Alice: “So stupid, mumble grumble, can’t do anything mumble grumble.”

Ralph:  “I HEAR YOU!”

Alice:  “YOU CAN’T HEAR ANYTHING!”

Ralph:  “WHAT?”

Alice:  “OH DAMN IT…I’M LEAVING.  HE’S GOING BACK TO THE APARTMENT?”

Co-worker:  “Yes, here comes the nurse now.”

Their kids can’t take them out to dinner anymore because of all the yelling and cussing.  They can’t get along for 5 seconds.  Separately, they are both very sweet, but together…BOOM!  Powder keg.  Oil and water.  He’s the match, she’s the flame.

Anyway, it’s been awhile since I’ve shared tales from the village, and I thought this was worth passing forward.

The Real Ralph: You’re a riot, Alice. You’re a regular riot. Hope they like those jokes on the moon, ’cause that’s where you’re goin’.”

14 thoughts on “Ralph and Alice….Reincarnated

  1. You never fail to make my day a little brighter. This is so funny. Who doesn’t have THIS couple in their life? You wonder how they managed to stayy married and out of jail all of these years!

    • xoxoxo thank you so much! That’s means so much to me, you just don’t know.. Yeah, I can’t imagine what they must have been like. Their son is a bit of a jerk, so I’m thinking, they haven’t changed much lol

  2. Pingback: Share The Love Sunday: Short Edition - It's A Dome LifeIt's A Dome Life

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