Sisterhoods and Sex Tapes

Last week, I was awarded The Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award by Happy Little Feet, one of my very favorite bloggers and moms.  She’s the kind of mom I imagine myself to be in my head.  She’s all crafty and Do-It-Yourself-y.  She experiments in the kitchen…on purpose!  My kitchen experiments are just normal recipes gone awry.  I’ve burned pasta before.  True story.  She actually completes all the projects I just Pinterest.  I adore this girl, and I’m so glad that I found her in the blogosphere, and I’m honored and excited that she deemed me worthy of this award.

Plus, I’ve decided that I should be a professional award accepter.  Is that a thing?  It should be, if it’s not.

On a side note:  I can’t wait to see the Google hits I get off the title of this post.

I informed my husband that we were now required to make a sex tape.  Which in my case, is more like a horror movie…but whatever.  I’m pretty sure all he heard was the word S-E-X.  Let’s be honest (which I actually pronounce “Lesbi-honest” aka Jersey Shore style, don’t act like you never watched it!), I could get my husband to agree to anything if I throw sex in the sentence.

What I Say:

“Hey, honey…we have to make a sex tape now.  ‘Cause I’ve won like 6 awards, and I’m pretty sure it’s like a thing…we have to do it.”

What He Hears:

“blah blah blah SEX blah blah blah”

I asked my daughter if she would “accidentally” release our sex tape.  Her response:  “Why can’t you be normal?”  She also doesn’t approve of my relationship with Adam Levine.  So, when we get married, I’m totally not letting her live with us.

I spent the last few days thinking about Sisterhood and what it means.  I tried to come up with some really good examples of female solidarity in my own life…well, this is what I got instead.  Oh, and continue reading at your own peril.  You should probably not read further if you:

  1. Are easily offended
  2. Are prudish and have delicate sensibilities
  3. Think sex is something that should NEVER be discussed in polite company or with strangers
  4. Have no sense of humor or at least you don’t share MY sense of humor

You’ve been warned.

I got on the elevator with one of my sweet lovely senior citizen ladies.  I look over at her and smile.  She looks uncomfortable.  I look down and see the cart of depends.

Sweet Old Lady:  “I was hoping I could get to my apartment without anyone seeing me.”

Me:  “Oh, it’s all good.  Pretend I’m not here.”

SOL:  “Thank you dear.”

Me:  <sneezes> “oh goodness, I just peed a little.”

SOL:  <looks at me>

Me:  “I just said that out loud didn’t I?”

SOL:  <pats my hand and gets off the elevator>

I’m not sure if that was an example of Sisterhood, or just a pity pat.  Upon further reflection, it was probably a pity pat, and the most discussed topic at dinner that night.  Awesome.

One of my co-workers took this picture.

If you notice in the center of the pic, there is what appears to be a penis.  Someone spilled something and it dried in the shape of a penis.  Maybe intentionally, maybe not.  It makes me laugh every time I see it now.

So, I’m talking with this co-worker (we will call her B) and another co-worker comes up (We will call her P).  B is complaining that two other co-workers just horrified her with talks of fibroids, hemorrhage-level bleeding and the type of cramps that leave you in the fetal position incapable of breathing.  In a counter-offensive move, B starts interjecting with sex talk.  Not because she wanted to talk about sex, but because she wanted them to stop talking about their respective vagina problems.  She knew if she threw around terms like “blow jobs” both these women would politely excuse themselves from the conversation.  So she’s telling me this horror story, and P walks up.

P: “I refuse to do that <she makes a gagging face>.”  It’s probably why I’m not married.  It’s just not right.”  

B:  <makes the BJ face/hand movement>

P:  <makes the gag face>

Me:  <thinking how happy I am my husband doesn’t know about this “supposed” marriage requirement>

P:  “I have a friend that loves it.  She’s always giving me tips.  She says she does this one thing…” <she proceeds to demonstrate>

Me:  “She motorboats his nuts?  WTH?”

We spent the next few minutes in abject horror bonding over the things we all agreed we would NEVER do.

Sisterhood.

I was complaining about my weight to my youngest daughter the other day.  She just looked at me, but in that one look, I heard what she was not saying:

“Maybe you shouldn’t have opened that bag of peanut M&M’s after ordering the pizza.”

NOT an example of Sisterhood.

As with all these awards, there are rules.

Here are the Rules:
 
1) Thank the blogger who gave you the award.
2) Post 7 things about yourself.
3) Pass the award on to 7 other deserving bloggers, letting them know they’ve been chosen.
4) Include a logo of the award in your post. (see above)
7 Glorious Things About Myself:
  1. I’m deathly afraid of heights.  Mostly because I feel a strong urge to throw myself off tall buildings and I’m afraid one day I might actually succumb to this urge.
  2. I’m left-handed.
  3. A psychic once told me that I would one day be a great ruler and masses of people would follow me.  I was 10, it felt true.  She clearly wasn’t talking about my Facebook Fan Page.
  4.  I can’t clean up vomit.  If I see it, I will do it.  If I even see that you might do it, I will do it.  Just talking about it make me want to do it.
  5. Feet gross me out.
  6. I use Q-tips to clean my ears.  I don’t care about the level of danger.  I’m a rebel.
  7. I don’t like my food to touch.  On my plate.  Seriously, if my chicken touches my broccoli, I’m not eating it.

I’m not going to technically nominate bloggers for this award, but I will list a few of my favorites and everyone who reads this (all 5 of you) should totally check them out.

I’ve already talked about Happy Little Feet (see above).  Here are a few more I love!

Life on Peanut Layne

Sorry Kid, Your Mom Doesn’t Play Well With Others

Big A little a

It’s A Dome Life

Life’s Too Short To Play Possum!

Momaical

Baking in a Tornado

First Time Mom and Dad

I could go on and on, there are so many other blogs not mentioned here that I love, but duty calls, and I must head to work.

21 thoughts on “Sisterhoods and Sex Tapes

  1. Congrats. I don’t get that last thing. I’ve never understood you crazy non-touching food people, but I’m sure aside from that, you’re just a lovely person. 😉

    Kidding aside, you deserve this award, sister!!

    Love the laughs.
    Teri
    Snarkfest

    • Thank you! Yeah, I don’t let people drink after me either, not my husband, not my kids. My kids are like “but you gave birth to us”…yeah still don’t want your backwash or saliva in my drink!

  2. Hilarious! I wish I knew you in “reality” (apposed to “cyberspace “. Or whatever.). Anyways, you crack me up. I can understand why you’d be nominated for awards. Congratulations by the way. You surely deserve them. And if it’s true that you only have 5 followers (or those who actually read your stuff) rest be assured, you can bet I will be reading. Oh, and I had been nominated for an award sometime last week. Am I suppose to do what you mentioned above… something about rules…? Perhaps I lost my award since I didn’t participate… fast enough…? I don’t know. I’m fairly new to all of this.

  3. I love this line you wrote about Happy Little Feet, “She actually completes all the projects I just Pinterest.” That pretty much sums me up too. She is awe inspiring.

    Thanks for mentioning my blog! I don’t think I’ve been recognized in a post that mentions male anatomy, sexual acts, peeing your pants AND M&M’s. This is a first! You are hilarious.

    P.S. We could totally start a Q-tip fan club. My husband lectures me on their dangers almost daily.

    • She’s awesome. I wished she lived next door 🙂 I’m not giving up my Q-tips and after 20+ years, I think I’m okay with the risk lol. I say that and next week I’ll be blogging about going to the ER with a broken Q-tip in my ear. thanks for the love!

  4. Rebel ear cleaners UNITE! I also clean the kids ears with q-tips, because I can not stand ear gunk. One hates it, one loves it, they both have to just deal.

    And I’m always so glad when I hear other adults say they don’t like their food to touch. Some things are just not meant to be eaten together. I say the inventor of the sectioned paper plate was a genius, and I always get huffy at cookouts and such where those aren’t available.

    • Yay! Another crazy don’t let my food touch person! I’m not alone 🙂 Yeah, I don’t want wax hanging out my ears…ugh. I love getting out of the shower and cleaning my ears, it feels good (is that weird?).

  5. Note to self: Do NOT invite MBOK to a Crock pot party. Also, do not have a Crock Pot party. Because that is trashy. If you want to have a trashy party, have a “fuckerware” party which will double as a Sex Tape Video Release party for my friend at MBOK.
    Oh, and thanks for the fabulous props here! Love ya! xoxo Tracy

    • Thank you! You left another comment, but it came across as spam. I didn’t want you to think I was being rude, and not responding. I’m always afraid to click on spam links, never know what surprises are in store lol 🙂 How did you get the cursor or prompt thingie to turn into a heart on your blog? That’s adorable!

      • I had my son do it–he just went into Google and typed in heart cursor…from there he found another site to figure out how to get it to drop those those little sprinkle things..which are very distracting to me and I find myself playing with it instead of writing!!! Another form of procrastination for me. Anyhoo…thanks for responding to my comment–I appreciate hearing from you because I love your blog!!! XOXO

  6. ooh!! I so missed out on seeing this….maybe I was too busy laughing my ass off at your co-worker sisterhood!! 😀 Thanks so much!!

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