I get up this morning and make my way blindly into the bathroom. I mean this literally, without contacts or glasses, I can’t see my hand in front of my face. I joke (not really) that if was attacked in my own bedroom at night, I wouldn’t be able to identify my attacker (this is not an invitation). I am brushing my teeth (no this isn’t a play-by-play of me getting ready in the morning, I promise good stuff is coming) and I look down and notice my husband’s vitamin bottle. I squint at the label. I pick it up, put on my glasses, and almost choke on my toothpaste. I don’t know why but for some reason, the label has struck me as particularly funny. Two things I notice:
1) the name of the vitamins: “Ultimate Man”
2) directly above the name: “Easy to Swallow”
If I’ve named my vitamins “Ultimate Man” then doesn’t it imply that one could take these vitamins “Chuck Norris” style? Who swallows? I am the “Ultimate Man”, I chew those suckers up, or better yet, they disintegrate on contact. No? Yes? I think it loses some potency with the “Easy to Swallow” label. Just sayin’… No worries honey, the Karma Police showed up after I chortled privately for a while and paybacks are a bitch. Running the water reminds me I haven’t peed yet this fine morning, so I stumble to the toilet, almost losing my balance and falling on this:
Some idiot left it right in front and slightly to the side of the toilet (idiot = me), and as I am falling, I see it standing there, ramrod straight, in my peripheral vision. I am grabbing onto anything and everything to keep from falling at this point, envisioning the horrific 911 call I will have to make in the event that I lose my battle with gravity –
911: What is your emergency?
Me: Yes, I’ve impaled myself on the toilet plunger, please send help.
Like anyone is going to believe this was an accident. It would be my luck to have this guy rescue me:
Yes, this is a picture of “Alcide” from True Blood (my celebrity crush) in that male stripper movie “Magic Mike”.
No worries, though. Disaster averted. Whew. Can you imagine? I know, horrible, right. Well not the Alcide rescuing me part, but the impaled by a toilet plunger part. <shudders>
On a sidenote, the person who googled “inflatable basset hound” and got my blog instead….why?
I’m working on another post for Wednesday about my chaperoning experience last Friday with the high school band. Since my life flashed before my eyes this morning, I felt the need to establish my existence and post this little ditty. Although upon further reflection, maybe I should have saved this post for “hump day”. haha. See what I did there? <winces>