WordPress has this feature (and probably all blogging sites do) called “Top Searches”. It tells me what google searches unearthed my blog for readers. Over the past few weeks, I’ve been keeping track of these searches, and a disturbing pattern has emerged.
TOP SEVEN MOST DISTURBING AND/OR WEIRD SEARCHES
- Men with no penises (umm…women?)
- Hairy vaginas (I guess google is cheaper than Hustler?)
- Images of fat kids running (why? cyber bullies?)
- Fat basset hounds (are there skinny basset hounds?)
- Sex with horses (I know this is a fetish….but I just can’t wrap my mind around it, and I lived on a horse farm)
- Images of horse dicks (comparison shopping?)
- Boys and undies (I really hope this was a potty training search)
If I didn’t know anything about me, I’d wonder what the hell I’m blogging about to generate these kind of searches. I feel like I need to shower. People are strange and apparently obsessed with horses.
Reading these searches did remind me of two things.
Much to the mortification of my daughters, man-child refuses to close the bathroom door when in use. Doesn’t matter if he’s pooping or pee’ing, the door is open. In a perfect world, he would walk around naked. When he was little, we would let him run around naked after his bath for a few minutes, we called this “naked play time”. Little did we know, we were raising a future nudist. A few weeks ago, I walk into MY bathroom, and there is my son, going to the bathroom with the door open. The conversation went something like this:
Me: Why are you using my bathroom?
Man-child: the toilet downstairs is stopped up and my sisters have their tampons all over the other bathroom…it’s disgusting!
Me: You make some good points, carry on.
Man-child turns his head to look at me, and where his head goes, his body will follow. I watch in horror as the arc of urine hovers precariously close to the edge of the toilet seat, and flash forward to an image of me cleaning piss from the walls of my bathroom.
Me: (screeching) WATCH WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!!!!!!
Man-child: (looks down and shrugs) Mom, relax. I’ve got this, been doing it for years.
Me: Oh right. This from the 6-year-old boy who performs the walk of shame every morning in his pull-up.
Man-child: MOM! We don’t talk about that!!!
Me: Sorry (not sorry).
Yes, you read that correctly. My almost 7-year-old son still wears a pull-up at night. We’ve tried everything. He will sleep in a pool of his own urine without waking up. The pull-up seems the lesser of two evils. I’m open to suggestions if you have any?
On my way back from one of my school meetings last week, I pull up to a red light and there is a bicyclist in front of me. Normally, I would be really annoyed about being trapped behind a cyclist on a busy street, but I’m making a right turn, so I’m feeling magnanimous today or just tired. The light turns green, and this male cyclist moves like two inches and then stops. I can’t turn. I don’t know what he’s doing, but from the back, it looks like he’s digging around in his man junk. Maybe he is suffering from some mamel toe (male camel toe) from his skin tight bicycle shorts or something far more disturbing (and those google searches come to mind) but he’s not moving and I still can’t turn. I shouldn’t say he’s not moving. He’s moving….his hand… If he can’t find his manly treasure after this much rooting around, he’s got bigger issues (or smaller). WTF is he doing???? I decide to turn on the air conditioner in my car, if you watched the video in my last blog, then you are familiar with the sound. I could just honk my horn, but this method seems more passive-aggressively hostile than openly hostile. I turn it on. His hand jerks out of his shorts and business cards and granola bars come flying out. I don’t see a fanny pack. Does he have a pocket in his jock strap? What the hell? He gives me a dirty look, but he does get out of my way. I think I run over his granola bars. I feel kinda bad about that…not really. It was a long week. When I get home, it occurs to me I should have taken a pic. <sigh>
So, GOOGLE….take those two thoughts and do your worst!
This is a short blog today (for me). I will be posting a special blog tomorrow in honor of Labor Day. About two years ago, I posted a blog called “The skinny on the French”, here is the link:
My daughter and I were inspired after watching the movie Julie & Julia, and we decided to try a few recipes from Julia Child’s “Mastering the Art of French Cooking”. It was featured on WordPress, and is my most viewed blog to date. It was two years ago, which is about how long it has taken me to recover or forget how hard it was because my daughter and I have decided to try again!
Poulet Roti (roast chicken)
Peas (the frozen kind, two dishes will be more than I can handle)
Tomorrow, for your reading pleasure, I will post a blog about our experience complete with pics of the meal and everyone’s reaction. Should be fun, so stay tuned!