I am growing hair where I am pretty sure I shouldn’t be growing hair. I don’t know if this is a by-product of turning 40 or if it’s a singular experience, but it is damn inconvenient and embarrassing to admit. I wouldn’t even be admitting it now except Google scared the crap out of me, so now I am in search of the validation that can only come from the knowledge that I am not alone!
Google is my primary care physician, my therapist and my parenting expert. According to Google, unwanted hair growth can be cause for medical concern. Here is a list of possible causes:
- Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
- Adrenal Hyperplasia
- Thyroid dysfunction
- endocrine “disturbances” (wtf?)
Excessive hair growth has names like “hirsutism” and “androgen excess”. I just wanted to know why I go to bed with a hairless chin and wake up sprouting 3 foot long black hairs over my jaw line. Or the short black hairs right under my bottom lip that form a flower like shape.
In my twenties, the only hair maintenance (other than the bikini line, legs and underarms) I really had to contend myself with was the space between my eyebrows. I probably sported a unibrow way past the age it’s acceptable. I hate tweezers. I have a very low threshold for pain. I mean very low. I asked for an epidural when I found out I was pregnant. My doctor laughed, and I was like “no, seriously.” Since I am not a pain loving masochist, waxing was out of the question. So, I am ashamed to admit that I took a razor to my unibrow. Puhleeze, like I am the only person in the history of the world that’s ever done that!
By the time I hit my 30’s, had a few kids under my belt, I decided I could probably tolerate the waxing, and the pornstache growing on my upper lip would not be denied any longer. I also noticed hair on my nipples. When did that happen? I wasn’t going to pluck or wax my nipples, so I found a quick swipe with the razor would do. I mean, no one has ever sliced off a nipple with a razor before have they? I’d google it, but I’m still traumatized from my earlier googling.
Now I am poised just over the threshold of 40 and I’ve finally learned to embrace tweezers. I had a really humiliating experience before my trip to Ireland. I went in for my normal brow/upper lip wax and while the aesthetician was working my lip under the unforgiving lights, she asked if I wanted my chin done too. SERIOUSLY? I brought green to wear for celebrating St. Paddy’s Day in Dublin but I didn’t want to look like an actual leprechaun, so I let her wax my chin. Worst day of my life. Probably. At least top 20. So instead of a beard, I sported a rash the whole week. Awesome.
After the chin wax debacle of 2011, I decided to learn to love my tweezers. It’s not been suggested since that I wax my chin. Thank God! I’ve covered the hairy caterpillars I call eyebrows, the pornstashe, the witch-troll-like chin hairs, the leprechaun beard, and the hairy nipples…let’s move down.
During my google search, I did come across several items that deserve mentioning here. I am proud to say that I did some early Christmas shopping:
All of my close friends will be receiving their very own “I Love My Muff” kit, and I thought they would make great teacher gifts.
I also found these little gems, which I am going to use as stocking stuffers!
Because who doesn’t have a “muff on the go”!
Google can be very good to me.
The other “hairy” issue I’ve recently noticed is the hair on my big toe. I looked down the other day and actually thought someone else’s foot was under my dress. It scared me to death. So, now I also have to shave my toes just to get a pedicure. This whole self-grooming thing is getting out of control.
I probably should get a second opinion. Dr. Google has been known to get it wrong on occasion. It pains me to say that, we have a very long and complicated history, Dr. Google and I.
I did go to the actual Doctor. I had a complete physical and I am relieved to report that I don’t seem to be suffering from any of the multitude of conditions listed by Dr. Google. My Doctor suggested I look into Laser Hair removal or Electrolysis. Does she know me at all?
Surely, I am not the only woman on the planet who shaves her big toe or nipples? Am I? My husband is reading this feeling completely turned on. I’ll be surprised if he can even get through dinner without jumping me. I’ll have to turn him down because my “Care Down There” kit hasn’t arrived yet.