The Horse’s Ass, Missing the Boat..er, Plane, Tweetering and Other Nonsensical Things: Part 1

Sooooooo….it’s been awhile since I’ve blogged.  I’m not so much ready for summer to be over as I’m ready for this soul crushing heat to leave us.  It’s too hot to even breathe most days.  It’s almost time for the kids to head back to school.  I take a sort of weird pleasure in counting down the days until school starts and watching the summer sparkle fade from their bright shiny eyes.  Mean?  Maybe.  Self-preservation?  Definitely.  I can’t listen to my youngest daughter and my son fight over Super Mario Kart or here the words “I’m bored” one more day.  Life has been pretty eventful the last few months.  I’ve managed to alienate a few more people at work, offensively ate a chicken sandwich, missed a plane and discovered the addictive properties of the Twittersphere. 

I’m not touching “The Great Chicken Debate” to save my life.  I’ll leave that to the seasoned veterans.  I’ll begin with my weight loss journey.  Since we last spoke, I’ve lost 15 pounds.  Yay!  Of course, I have moments when I wish it were more, but then I remember my journey isn’t just about losing the weight, although, that’s certainly powerful motivation, it’s about working through the reasons I find myself here with this body in the first place and learning to find balance in my life.  I love food.  I don’t want to give it up for life.  I just want to stop eating my feelings, because as I’ve discovered, I have a lot of feelings.  It feels good to not succumb to the mood altering, mind numbing power of food, and find new ways to work through my personal struggles.  I feel like I’ve made great strides in the last few months.  I’m making better choices and I’m finding that I actually kinda like myself.  I still try to workout everyday, but if I miss a day, I don’t beat myself up.  I vary the routines so I don’t get bored.  I love watching the TV show Castle while I’m on the treadmill, it makes those 45 minutes fly.  I am on season 4 already though, so I don’t know what I’ll do when I catch up to the current season.  I’m feeling stronger every day and that is a great feeling, better than cheesecake even!  Well, ok…maybe not so much…

Despite my best intentions, I cannot seem to convince one particular resident of the retirement home where I work that I am not the devil.  He is hellbent on not liking me.  We will call him Ted, and I’ve had several altercations with Ted over the years, but the last one might be my best work yet.  We published a letter notifying our residents that they could not park in certain designated areas in order to leave room for emergency vehicles, which beat a path to our doors at least once a week.  It’s the nature of our business.  Well, I had the special pleasure of running into Ted after Mass one day while he was looking for my boss.  I don’t know if it’s because he is hard of hearing or he just likes the sound of his own voice, but he yells every word.

“Good morning, Mr. Ted, how are you today?” See, me trying to be civil and polite. 

“HUH?” grunt.  “WHERE DO I FIND YOUR BOSS!”  I take a step back, to avoid the spittle stream.

“I’m not sure, Mr. Ted.  Do you have an appointment?”

“I NEED A GODDAMN APPOINTMENT?!”  I calmly explained that yes, the administrator was extremely busy and while she might have time to see him now, I couldn’t guarantee it, and then I did a really stupid thing. 

I asked him if I could help.  If I could have punched myself in the face at that point I would have. 

“SURE!  I GOT THIS GODDAMN LETTER IN THE MAIL ABOUT ILLEGAL PARKING!  HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET TO MASS IF I CAN’T DRIVE FROM MY COTTAGE?”  I calmly and I thought sweetly explained that he could still drive from his cottage, he would just need to utilize the designated parking spaces surrounding the chapel.  

“WHAT PARKING!  WHERE!”  I pointed out various parking spaces he could use.  He squinted in the general vicinity but I could tell he couldn’t see the spaces and that he wasn’t going to take this well. 

“ARE YOU KIDDING ME!  MISS, I’M OLD.  HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO PARK THERE AND WALK TO THE CHAPEL!  YOU GONNA EXPLAIN TO MY PRIEST WHY I CAN’T MAKE MASS!?!?  AND I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY WE HAVE TO MOVE FOR THOSE GODDAMN AMBULANCES.  PEOPLE NEED TO SUCK IT UP!  IF I HAVE A PROBLEM I DON’T CALL FOR HELP.  I GODDAMN DEAL WITH IT.”  Wow, really?  Did he really just say that?  Beyond harsh.  I am really struggling to find any redeeming qualities about him.  Plus, he really likes that word “goddamn” which is ironic considering he’s angry that if he is not allowed to park where he wants he won’t make mass.  That’s irony right?  Anyway, I suggest under my breath that maybe he needed a priest for other reasons, and I think he heard me somehow because he practically gave himself whiplash to give me the evil eye.  At this point I might have suggested that if the journey to the main building was too taxing for him, maybe he should consider moving.  “MOVE!  MOVE!  YOU WANT ME TO MOVE!”  Oh ah…bad idea.  I responded with a “No….?”  “NO I’M NOT GODDAMN MOVING!”  Ok time to wrap this up, other residents were wandering out into the hall to see what the commotion was about.  We were on the verge of a walker traffic jam.  

“Ok, Mr. Ted.  Would you like for me to see if the administrator is free to meet with you?”  “HUH?  NO, I’M GOING HOME.  I’M JUST DISGUSTED…” and this was followed by a great deal of muttering and more cursing.  “Alright, well it’s been a pleasure talking to you Mr. Ted” and I punctuated that statement with one of those really big toothy smiles, that probably looked like I was constipated or deranged or both.  He whipped his head around again, and fixed me with his beady eyes.  “YOU DON’T MEAN THAT!  I’M A HORSE’S ASS!  I KNOW THAT!  NO ONE LIKES TALKING TO ME”. 

In that moment, I just felt sad.  I would have hugged him, but he probably would have acted on my earlier thought by punching me in the face.  I felt compassionate towards him, even though I knew he would never accept it.  My smile became genuine and I actually laughed, not at him but in general amusement.  I swear I saw a twinkle in his eye too.  It was hard to tell beneath the scowl and bushy eyebrows, but I’m pretty sure it was there. 

I had a spring in my step until I ran into another resident that seemed determined to tell me about her foot fungus and gnarly toe nails.  Ugh. 

I am going to wrap up for now, but stay tuned for the second installment which will include missing a flight, airport security and the twittersphere and whatever else comes to mind. 

Make it a great week!    

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