I’m hot, sweaty, tired, claustrophobic, and irritable and I’m pretty sure my children left their brains behind in Dallas, where my husband and I also left our patience. Are we there yet? No? Well, where are we? 635 and I-20?!?!??!!? OMG…
The week leading up to our family vacation should have been my first clue, the fates were all but shouting ABORT! ABORT! Let me recap for you:
I ran into a glass door and busted my nose, didn’t break it but got a nose bleed and left a face imprint on the glass which rudely remained there for the whole next day as a reminder of my stupidity. My nose was sore, and I’m still afraid to blow it, which has led to other issues (well, “supposed” issues, hubby says I snore, he’s got no proof).
Our garage door broke, trapping my husband and the kids in the house on finals week. He handled everything gracefully (insert sarcasm here). My kindle broke. Our TV broke. Our dog had bloody stools. I fell off a curb at work and twisted my ankle slightly and bruised my hip. We had a record number of emergency calls at work, and so many residents coming and going from area hospitals it was hard to keep track of them all. There might have been more bad luck, but I can’t remember, it’s possible I hit my head when I fell from the curb.
My favorite emergency call was from Lord and Lady R. A couple still unhappily married after a billion years, both well into their 90s and determined to kill each other. Seriously. The ambulance arrives, I go down to find out which R it is, the Lady or the Lord. I walk in to hear the Lady screaming at the Lord, I don’t hear a response, so it must be the Lord. He’s lying in bed, looking deathly pale, she’s at the kitchen table graciously talking about his congenital heart disease and the fact that at 95 we can hardly expect him to live much longer, after which he wails in the background. It’s hard to tell if he’s wailing for God to please come and take him from this nagging shrew, or if he’s distressed that she’s screaming about his death, or if he’s in pain. The (hot) EMT’s check him out, but because of his pacemaker they can’t get a good read. He is mainly unresponsive and incoherent, so they decided to take him to the hospital, to which Lady R replies, “Thank God, peace and quiet, now I can sleep”. More moaning and wailing from Lord R. Do I exaggerate? Sadly no. The ambulance takes him away, with Lady R screaming in the background, that if they take him they better bring him back because she is too weak to drive! True love.
So, enter vacation. I am so ready. We get up early, drop the dogs off at their respective sitters, and head to pick up our RV. Ummm. We pull into the RV rental place, and my only thought is please God let this not be the right place. I see rust and garbage and mayhem everywhere I turn, if there is a business office located inside this place, I can’t see it. I can’t get out of there fast enough. Have fun, honey! More on the RV pick up during the “He Said” portion. (See how I plugged for you honey?) I have to run one more time by the store, when hubby sends me this text.
“Get air fresheners, cleaning supplies and matches”
I am completely freaking now. I don’t like to call myself a snob, and I’m not about MOST things, but come on…! I wasn’t expecting 5 stars on wheels, but…ok yes maybe. As it turns out, it was exactly what I realistically expected, meaning I didn’t need to wear protective armor and anti-bacterial every surface down. We load the RV, and we are officially on our way at 11:30am on Saturday, June 5, 2010. Woo freaking hoo!
The most irritating thing about the whole driving experience, apart from the heat and the whining and being in the car for hours on end with no hope in sight was that my beloved didn’t seem to appreciate my running commentary while he was driving. He kept getting really defensive and yelling at me. Before you rush to take sides (mine obviously), and in the spirit of fairness, I will give you examples of comments made by moi:
“wow, the driver in the car ahead of us has a really nasty looking mole on the back of his neck” or
“hey, honey, about a ½ mile ahead of us, there are cars braking.” or
“I didn’t realize you could take an exit that fast without overturning, that was…exhilarating…ummm or not”
So as you can now clearly see by my demonstration, my side is the side of right and you all agree with me, he was clearly being unreasonable. I’m sure he’ll spin it ugly during his version, but I expect my super smart audience to be wise to his shenanigans and not fall for his cunning manipulation of the truth. Truth-seekers keep constant vigilance!!!
So anyway, our journey took us out of east Texas, into Louisiana, then into Mississippi then back into Louisiana…huh? What? Wait a minute…! Yes, yes it did and then lost. And by this time it’s 10 pm; we are all hot, sweaty, tired, irritated, short-fused and ready for a shower and bed. I make the executive decision it is time to find the nearest hotel and start fresh in the morning. So, we paid for one night at the RV Park we didn’t use, maybe they will have pity on us and give us a refund, but I doubt it. It is currently 11:32pm and I’m exhausted, so signing off for now. I’m sure I didn’t include every memento of our fabulous first day, but these are the highlights. Hubby will have more for you tomorrow morning, I’m sure (he’s not as dedicated as me, and is probably sleeping by now). In case you’re wondering about that last statement, we are in separate hotel rooms. We couldn’t get adjoining rooms, so we divided and conquered, or is it conquered and divided? Either way, I bid you goodnight.
Next stop: Biloxi, MS
P.S. My oldest daughter wants everyone to know that on more than one occasion, I might have called her stupid or told her to shutup. I don’t recall the so-called events, but I promised to mention it anyway.
P.S.S. Am I the only one who finds it irritating to be bombarded with questions every 2 seconds, for example: “Can I drink this water?” “Can I eat these chips?” “Is this white trash bag the trash?” Need I go on…?
P.S.S.S. The dog is fine, Amazon sent me another Kindle, the TV and garage are fixed and all the children are still alive.